Oh, the Travissty!

This article contains Mandalorians.

It is likely to contain information provided by Mandalorian fanboys (also known as fandalorians) and the content may be reverted to remove criticism made by "Jedi-lovers".


Lord Hydronium


Lord Hydronium


Karen Traviss







Followed by


"Clones are people too."
―Etain Tur-Mukan[src]

Opening crawlEdit

Republic Commando Triple Zero
Eight years ago.

It was a dark and stormy night...

Kal Skirata: "My wife and kids hate me and I consider myself a miserable failure. Nothing like eight years in a dreary, storm-drenched planet to cheer me up. What's this, a little kid?"

Null: "I know eight ways to kill you with my bare hands."

Kal Skirata: "Awww, how cute! I should give you all names. You're Ordo, you're Mereel, you're Grumpy, you're Dopey, you're Sneezy, you're Fili, you're Kili, and you're Thorin Oakenshield. OK, time for some cake, and then a game. Let's play "Name the points on a Kaminoan that can cause death or paralysis!"

Nine years laterEdit

Fi: "Dear Diary, I had the most special day today! Niner told me he thought my hair was cute, Atin was such a grouch, and Darman totally likes this girl, but he won't tell us who. Oh yeah, and we're going to blow up some terrorists smuggling explosives. Love ya!"


Etain Tur-Mukan: "Clones are people too!"
Obi-Wan Kenobi, Sheeka Tull, Jos Vondar & Barriss Offee: "Yes, we know."

Meanwhile, again...

Fi: "Well, it looks like we're trapped, out of oxygen and heat, and ready to die."
Niner: "Aren't you supposed to be making some kind of joke to cope with this?"
Fi: "Uh, that was it."

They are saved in a DEATH-DEFYING, RISKY, DANGEROUS maneuver that succeeds to no one's surprise.

Kal Skirata: "General Zey, what if we were to *wink-wink*, then *nudge-nudge* the you-know-who, if you know what I mean?"
Arligan Zey: "Well, I don't see anything wrong with that. Off you go."

Walon Vau: "I'm going to torture these prisoners and then kill them."
Etain Tur-Mukan: "Well, if you must."
Bardan Jusik: "It's war, after all."

Fi: Man, I wish I could live a normal life like the people I'm watching: that couple holding hands, that child laughing, that junkie shooting up, that mugger beating an old woman...
Ordo: "I've a got a really clever idea for catching the terrorists. We'll sell them explosives and then kill them when they try to pick them up."
Kal Skirata: "How do we get the word out?"
Ordo: "eBay."

A listing for "100kg" of explosives, slightly used, pictures included" from "mando4lyfe" goes up.

"WAAAAAAAH! Why doesn't Kal like me? Isn't Dar so dreamy?"
―Etain Tur-Mukan, as she doodles "E + D 4eva" in her notebook, surrounded by a heart

Walon Vau: "I just shoved a prisoner off a building to her death after torturing her."
Etain Tur-Mukan: "I don't see anything wrong with that."
Bardan Jusik: "It's the lesser of two evils."

Etain Tur-Mukan: "Darry-poo, what baby names do you like?"
Darman: "Deece, Detonator, Verp...why?"
Etain Tur-Mukan: "Oh, no reason."

She writes "Mrs. Etain-1136" in her notebook.

Walon Vau: "I just blew up a bus of orphans and executed a museum full of people."
Etain Tur-Mukan: "I don't see the problem."
Bardan Jusik: "Some things have to be done."

This goes on for about a billion pages. Eventually, SOME PLOT appears.

Ordo: "Good news, someone used "Buy it now".
Kal Skirata: "Time to go. We are sobered by the fact that at any moment any of us could die."

None of them do.
There are EXPLOSIONS. There is GUNFIRE. There is REGULAR FIRE.

Kal Skirata: "We have all survived and are all a bit wiser. Let us bask in the glow of being a family."
Etain Tur-Mukan: "I'm having Darman's baby."
Kal Skirata: "Get the hell out."
Mereel: "Oh yeah, I forgot I was in this book too. Kal, I found out more about the Eus-Day Ex-Way Achina-May."

Kal Skirata: "Hopefully we can learn all about it in REPUBLIC COMMANDO III: THE SEARCH FOR MORE MONEY."

The end

Note from authorEdit

"If you weren't paying attention, the moral of the story is: Mandalorians are cool, Jedi are not (unless they're also Mandalorians), and clones are people too. I don't know how clear this is, so I better add about a hundred mentions of it throughout the book."
Karen Traviss

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