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Revan's Holocron

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"If there's one thing I've learned about the dark side, it's that its followers have absolutely no fashion sense. I mean, what the hell was I thinking with that suit?"
―Revan[src]

This holocron was created by Revan after his redemption and departure from known space, in the midst of his quest to seek out and destroy the True Sith. It was eventually discovered by T3-M4, who gave it to the Jedi Exile almost immediately after their escape from Peragus II.

ExcerptEdit

Well, it's been a while since I left known space, and the hunt isn't going well. Not bad, mind you, but progress has been slow. The lingering Dark Side energies that initially drew me to the Outer Rim and corrupted me are proving elusive; perhaps the old Sith grow wary, sensing that I seek them where they live. In any case, I'm leaving this holocron behind so that hopefully someone will find it (maybe even that cute Jedi General who activated the Mass Shadow Generator at Malachor V - the Force knows I could use the company). Bastila would be pissed, though...but she could never have understood why I had to leave her behind. I will love her with my last breath but it's clear to me that she must remain behind, if for no other reason than to tell them if I have failed, for if I die in my task she will surely feel it. Our bond is that strong, and I can still feel her pain at my departure. My general, on the other hand, she was a fighter through and through!

But enough of that. If anyone's to follow me, they'll have to understand a few things.

  1. Whatever that Kreia bitch told you, it's not true. She's as manipulative as she is wrinkled...and she'd probably never tell you that she once loved a French Echani general named Yusanis and mothered a girl. I should know, they both fought with me during the Wars.
  2. Never ever fall in love with your Padawan or Padawan-to-be, whatever the case may be. Trust me on that one.
  3. If there's one thing I've learned about the Dark Side, it's that its followers have absolutely no fashion sense. I mean, what the hell was I thinking with that suit? The mask was hot, the eyepieces were too damned small, and the kriffing cape wrapped around my legs at the most inopportune times! And Malak, let me tell you, that red suit didn't just clash with his bald, tattooed scalp, it waged full galactic war.
  4. If you insist on bringing along your droids, I hope you didn't give them any memory wipes. Engineers and droid designers never seem to appreciate the value of a good, experienced droid these days, be it an astromech droid, protocol, or highly-sophisticated assassin droid like those HK-47 units I designed. Hopefully you managed to procure one of those, if not, tough luck, I left mine behind.
  5. Though Mandalorians are fun to tease (and not just because I kicked their asses in the war), I suggest not doing that. They tend to get all riled up over the tiniest things, and it's better to humor them so as to keep their barbaric, if useful, skills on your side. One in particular, guy by the name of Ordo, was useful - so much so in fact that I gave him Mandalore's helmet and told him to start rebuilding his clans. If you haven't found out already, they're practically worshiping me.
  6. Never trust a professional pazaak or sabacc player with keeping a secret.
  7. Never trust a Sith. Ever.
  8. Never leave a lightsaber around where just anyone can pick it up.
  9. If you're in the middle of a lightsaber duel and nature calls, DO NOT drop your robes and try to take a whiz on your opponent.
  10. If your opponent likes wearing fancy, voluminous robes, a mask, or any other preposterous piece of personal effects, just use the Force to trip them up with their own clothing.
  11. If your opponent tries Dun Möch on you, just whistle to yourself or whisper "neener neener neener" under your breath while picturing him (or her) in their underwear. Works every time.

Well, that's all I can think of for now. Hopefully you found my musings somewhat useful, but if not, there's a shitload of powers and abilities you can learn by interfacing with the matrix of this holocron. Try the Force Stasis Field on for size, it really comes in handy when a bunch of thugs try to jump you. Just don't fuck it up and paralyze your buddies too.

P.S.: Stay away from Mandalorian Army knives. They're really useless against Sith and are apt to blow up on you.

See alsoEdit

RicOlieRight
This article is called Revan's Holocron. Revan's Holocron has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Revan's Holocron can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.

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