Revenge of the Phantom Clones Who Striked Backed at the Jedi's New Hope

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Release poster (21/12/2012)

Star Wars Episode VII: Revenge of the Phantom Clones Who Striked Backed at the Unleashed Jedi's New Republic on the Battlefront is the seventh and thankfully final newest Star Wars episode and first movie in the sequel trilogy. Originally released on the 21st of December of 2012, it relates what the hell happened after that terrible half-film to the main characters.

It is the worst-selling Star Wars movie to date, under-doing Attack of the Clones' rating by 2000 points. However, and as it is natural, it grossed over $10 in the USA box office, and around $4 worldwide.


Around 4 minutes after the death of Palpatine, the Ewoks rebel against the Rebels on Endor, killing most of the rebel troopers in the Ewok village fortress and separating Lando Calrissian and Leia Organa from Luke Skywalker, Han Solo and R2. Lando and Leia run off into the jungle, while Luke, Han and R2 try to reach their stolen shuttle in time. Toruk Makto the newly-chosen chief of the Ewoks, decides to hunt down Luke, Han and R2 for reasons later revealed. Toruk Makto then declares war on Gungans, Geonosians, Jedi, Twi'leks and all kinds of monsters.

Meanwhile, in the deep of the Endor rainforest-jungle-secuoia-thingy, Lando and Leia are ambushed by a pack of hungry velociraptors which had escaped from an imperial facility, somewhere inland and were hungry for some Human bowels. However, and because he's simply badass, Lando was able to shoot five of them down while he wrestled with another twelve. Eventually, and because they're so smart, the raptors decide to get lost for some time come back with more buddies. Exhausted (especially Leia, after all the fighting she did), Lando and Leia refuge themselves in a cave, where they find some rare herbs with healing qualities, and after smoking a WHOLE LOT of them, they engage in passionate fornication copulate.

Luke, Han and R2, meanwhile, make it halfway to the imperial shuttle on which they plan to escape that hell, deserting Luke's new sister and Han's lover. Unbeknown to them, HOWEVER, Toruk Makto had made a deal with Emperor Palpatine prior to his death: Makto would keep a batch of Super Clones on Endor (just in case the baddies didn't win after all) which Makto was to decryogenize after Palpatine's death. Makto now sets the Super Clones loose on Endor, after Wormie, Han and the trash can.

The Super Clones, leadered by Galen Marek's clone nr. 20 000 000, eventually catch up with the three goodies right before they reach the shuttle. An epic lightsaber duel ensues between Wormie and Galen Marek #20 000 000 on the edge of a cliff, while Han Solo and R2-D2 face the Super Clones single-handedly.

Meanwhile, Leia and Lando awake in their cave. Leia realizes what a horrible thing she has done with/to Lando, and sinks into a deep sadness - UNTIL Lando makes one of his great, awesomely up-lifting speeches and rescues Leia from depression: they exit the cave and run to arrive at the shuttle's landing place as soon as possible. However, they do not realize the velociraptors, now with new buddies and new tactics, following them, attracted by Leia's tracks. Lando then decides to stay back and fight them once again. However, this time the dinos beat the living shit out of him with their retractable nails on the middle toe. Just about to be killed, Lando is saved by the mystical Golden Gay Lord, who had been captured by the Ewoks for obvious reasons but managed to make a daring escape after having jet-boots added to his useless golden body. The velociraptors now flee, disturbed by the Golden Gay Lord's gayness, towards the shuttle. Lando jumps on the Golden Gay Lord's back and both hover to the battle scene.

Back at the shuttle, the duel between Wormie and Marek ends in Marek cutting all five of Wormie's limbs, and nearly throwing him off the cliff. However, he is stopped by Leia and her features.

"Oh, boobz!"

Galen Marek is so lusting for her features that he spares Wormie, instead choosing to fight Leia, who now has a yellow lightsaber (much like in some unbearable DLC of a great game). Opposite to public belief, Leia eventually defeats Marek after a ridiculously-long boss fight, and holds his life in her hands. A mutilated Wormie warns her not to kill him, as she'd fall into the side with the cookies. She does not listen, sensibly enough, and kicks Marek's ass down the cliff, to his death - eaten by those hungry velociraptors, who also deserve to eat lunch, or?

Down below, Han Solo, R2-D2, Lando Calrissian and C-3PO meet Wormie (by now totally wasted) and Leia. Han, aided by Lando, tell how some of the Super Clones carried lightsabers, but Wormie dismisses it as bullshit, moments before passing out.

As they all climb into the shuttle, Leia notices a Super Clone who talks with Palpatine's voice, but ignores him and climbs aboard the shuttle.

"Post-credits scene - ZPOILER ALERTT!Edit

In a post-credits scene, however, Leia returns to Endor and practises some voodoo ritual on the Super Clone; Palpatine's voice can be heard, saying "The Sith shall rise again..."

As she then opens her eyes, which are yellow - SPOILER ALERT!! - Palpatine's voice finishes: "... my apprentice."

As the scene fades to black, Palpatine's voice can be heard laughing in the darkness...

This article is called Revenge of the Phantom Clones Who Striked Backed at the Jedi's New Hope. Revenge of the Phantom Clones Who Striked Backed at the Jedi's New Hope has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Revenge of the Phantom Clones Who Striked Backed at the Jedi's New Hope can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.

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