Or: How Does Darth Vader Poop?

Thanks to Taro Gomi we have all become aware that, yes, everybody poops. The question arises though: How does Darth Vader poop? While I’m aware of questions concerning Han Solo cutting feces from Chewbacca’s fur and size and consistency of Jabba the Hutt’s bowel movements, a more interesting and scientific endeavor is found in examining the number two of everyone’s number one Sith Lord, Darth Vader.

Everyone knows (or at least everyone still reading at this point knows) that Anakin Skywalker’s poorly acted (written?) turn to the Dark side of the Force resulted in a fairly severe beating by Obi Wan Kenobi (maybe you know him as Old Ben Kenobi?) which ended him, and brought about everyone’s favorite cyborg unless you’re just a huge Peter Weller fan. Not only allowing for apathetic negative outburst, Darth Vader’s suit also grants him enhanced strength and acts as a life support system regulating his heart beat and respiration. All of these things, of course, require a power source, and all power sources eventually are drained, so power sources require fuel.

It has been proven (by the MythBusters, so we know it is true) the methane emissions from one’s anus are flammable. The ancient technology used in creating Darth Vader’s suit could be recycling and using his own flatulence as fuel to power his breathing. Vader’s suit could be the most highly efficient and sophisticated dutch-oven ever. Yet, even the reclamation of Vader’s own farts does not account for Skywalker solid waste.

It should be noted (and is being noted) that although the Sith may be unaware of Bear Grylls, it is very obvious what happens to the Dark Lord’s pee-pee.

It is common sense that a colostomy bag would be used to hold Vader’s “Dark side.” But is does also seem a poop-purse would get full and need to be emptied. Even a half-full dung-duffel would have to get in the way during a light saber duel.

This brings in the MSE-6-Series Repair Droids. Often called a “Mouse Droid”, the MSE-6 can always be seen skittering down the corridors of the Death Star, being easily scared by Wookies, even with the lack of arms for the Wookie to yank off. These small droids would in most logical areas have docking stations on which to recharge.

But, let us quickly make a few assumptions, because that always works.

One, we can assume (based on nothing, mind you) that Darth Vader is a vegetarian or possibly vegan. Underneath that dark, cold exterior he is basically a hippy Buddhist anyways. Interesting correlation: Both George Lucas and Herman Hess ruined by freshman year in College (Me-sa no like Siddhartha).

Two, it must be assumed that underneath Darth Vader’s cape is a system of tubes which could drop his vegan stool (horrible name for a metal band, by the way) on the ground. This would not need to be complicated, but large enough that no fecal impactions (awesome name for a metal band) occurred.

And finally, three, it must be assumed that as advanced as the Empire is, they would be liberally minded enough to be willing to create small droids that both pick up Sith shit, and recycle it for fuel. All the images of Coruscant show is as being highly populated and industrialized but lacking smog. This leads me to believe that Slave 1 is a hybrid bounty ship.

As the course of “logic” set out from our assumptions plays out, Vader poops into a bag hidden underneath his cape and due to his strict vegan diet he poops like a rabbit. That poops is then fed through a tube like PEZ candy to the floor. A mouse droid picks up Darth’s droppings and recycles it to create fuel and make much needed repairs to the latrines, which the Emperor clogged on his last inspections, as most old men would.

I truly hope your questions have been answered and this heated debate has been once and for all silenced. And please give the Emperor some Metamucil next time you see him. If he looks angry just tell him some short Strom Trooper gave it to you. He’ll know what you mean.

This article is called Sith Fecal Reclamation. Sith Fecal Reclamation has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Sith Fecal Reclamation can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.

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