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Sophitia Alexandra

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SC4 SophitiaPortrait
Σοφιτία Αλεξάνδρα
Biographical information
Homeworld

Athens, Olympus Coliseum

Born

Sometime that absolutely cannot be not 1566[1]

Died

Never. Ascended to a higher plane of hotness.[2]

Physical description
Species

Human (the logic of which is disputed)

Gender

Female, duh!

Height

Just perfect <3

Hair color

Beautiful golden blonde

Eye color

Gorgeous emerald green

Cybernetics

None?[3]

Chronological and political information
Era(s)

Soulcalibur Era

Affiliation
Known masters
Known apprentices

Darth Vader (Vader and Sophitia took turns being Sith master and apprentice. In bed.)

"You're in pain. Painful, isn't it?"
―Sophitia Alexandra. Really. That was an actual serious quote.
"Are you an angel?"
*stab* "I'm sorry...
"
―Creepy encounter between <insert name here> and Sophitia[src]
"I CAN HAS BOOBIES!?!?!?!?!?!?"
*stab* "Naughty child.
"
―Creepier encounter between <insert name here> and Sophitia[src]
"Sophitia is a blonde warrior woman with large breasts."
Darth Obvious on Sophitia

Sophitia Alexandra was a Human female - wait, that's an understatement. Sophitia Alexandra was one of the hottest, sexiest kickass video game girls known to man, let alone the absolute hottest Soulcalibur character ever. She was so hot that she singlehandedly made Darth Vader get over his initial qualms about being in a crap ass girly Japanese anime fighting game (he even married her, lucky bastard!). The biological "daughter" of Guri and the adopted daughter of Darth Baker, Sophitia was a Sith apprentice who worked at her family bakery under the name Darth Boobies! (later Darth MILF when Ivy took the similar title "Darth Boobies!!"). She was created as a wife for Darth Hades until she got bored of him and decided to leave him. Because she wasn't really evil, she tried to be a Jedi, failed, and instead became a Sith Mega-Super-Overlord.

After being tricked by Yoda that she had been sent to destroy Soul Edge (the Evil Sword of Doom!!!!!), Sophitia went and destroyed it, and destroyed it again, until finally her father, with the help of Darth Nightmare and Tira, convinced her to give up and just rejoin the Sith again. Besides, Tira wanted to use Sophitia's kids. She REALLY wanted to use them.

The media will tell you that Sophitia has always been married to a wussy blacksmith loser named Rothion. However, this is clearly a pointless lie that they made up; God willed Rothion out of existence because he sucked.[4] She's actually married to Darth Vader. The media made this lie up just to reinforce their other lie that Vader is really Anakin Skywalker and that he went all emo after Padmé died and refused to ever be with another woman, only choosing to be with men instead.

BiographyEdit

Birth and early life (1566-1584)Edit

"I said make her HOT! BURNING HOT! LIKE FIRE! Just like her husband, heh heh..."
Darth Hades
Sophitia panty shot

Sophitia typically wore short skirts. Infer.

One day, the Greek god and Sith Mega-Super-Overlord Darth Hades became jealous of the fact that his arch-enemy Sora had a pretty, sexy, adorable, fun, smart, redheaded girlfriend.[5] Frustrated, he visited the Sith Academy of Culinary Arts, where he hired Darth Baker to make a wife for him. Baker had recently perfected his recipe for "sooper-schmurty-flurty-beeshy-boshy-cluuuuuune-a!", which allowed him to make bread-based human clones of droids and other machines using the mystic power of weaselpudge as well as some of his own DNA.

Using this technique, Guri was used to create Sophitia. This technique would later be repeated, this time using some of No Soup-a With-a Buffet's DNA as well, to create Sophitia's "sister" Cassandra, who isn't as sexy but is really adorable ^^

Sophitia grew up loving Lord Hades, and was trained by both Hades and Baker as a Sith apprentice. However, one day she met Hercules, the Great Dork, who told her that Hades was warping her mind and that there were better gods around. She ignored him. A few months later, Cloud Strife visited and told her the same thing. She then listened to him, because he was way more awesome. She tried to leave Hades, but he attempted to block her way and threatened to make even worse things happen. Nevertheless, she left anyway, because Darth Hades was essentially harmless.

Sophitia then moved to Athens and lived on her own, (occasionally sleeping) with Cassandra. She started worshipping Hephaestus, god of forges, because Cloud had told her unusually awesome stories about his daring feats (angering the real God). Meanwhile, she continued her Sith training on her own, making friends with all the wussy Athenians such as Pit and Rothion, and constantly having relations with fighting against the extremely manly, warlike SPARTAAAAAAAANS!!!!, which included Darth Kratos and Darth Leonidas.

The quest begins (1584)Edit

Sometime in this period, Sophitia's grandfather was found murdered in a French museum by none other than Darth Silas!!!!! This drove the crap out of the hot gal, and forced her to join up with an irritating American professor in order to hunt Silas down. They chased Silas across the whole city of Paris, evading French police who wanted to arrest the smokin' blonde for some reason, as they thought she was involved in the murder of her own grandfather and then after numerous hiccups at a bank, a church and a Goth brothel, they were rescued by an old, creepy, pedophilic billionaire, who spoke English for some stoopid reason. He told them why her grandfather was killed, then flew to England with them to hunt down the killers, and then suddenly told Sophitia that he had killed her grandfather! Nontheless, he was arrested and Sophitia and the professor never spoke of this embarrasing situation again. Not ever.

Threesome

Sophitia and Cassandra performing their duty to Hephaestus Yoda.

In 1584 AD, Yoda traveled to Sophitia's homeworld and, hoping to have her join the Jedi Order, disguised himself as Hephaestus and convinced the girl to destroy the Evil Sword of Doom!!!!! Soul Edge, wielded by the dread pirate Cervantes de Leon.[6]

Teaming up with a Wormie impersonator, a lesbo ninja, Optimus Prime, Gandalf the White, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and a whole bunch of Ewoks, she set out to destroy Soul Edge and return peace to the galaxy, having relations with every male fighter along the way. During the final battle with Cervantes, Sophitia got distracted by Optimus Prime's giant metal penis, giving just enough of a delay for Cervantes to gag, paralyze, rape and almost kill Sophitia, until the Ewoks all ganged up on Cervantes and returned the favor. Unfortunately, they also did it to Sophitia, putting her in a similar position. This left Taki, Siegfried, Prime, Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli to kill all the Ewoks (and Cervantes too) and save everyone. Taki then took Sophitia home. And slept with her too. Just like everyone else mentioned on this page.

Meanwhile, poor, poor Gandalf, who was left behind, noticed that the rest of his party forgot to destroy Soul Edge. What did he do? He picked up Soul Edge and ate it. With ketchup.

The quest continues (1587)Edit

In 1587, Soul Edge came back to life and burst through Gandalf's body, causing him to explode.

Fusion and subsequent de-fusion (phew) with GormaandaEdit

"cosplay is fine so long as they're not obese"
―A Wookiepedian on Gormandophitia[src]
Pretend I didn't see this picture

IT'S A TRAP!!!

At one point, Gormaanda managed to get a hold of a pair of fusion earrings. Wishing to make herself prettier, she tricked Sophitia into performing the fusion dance with her, and the two merged. The resulting fusion, Gormandophitia, had a terrible name that sounded like a disease and was the most atrocious creature in the galaxy (second only to that thing that keeps Darth Vader up at night). However, he/she/it was especially effective in attracting gay men such as Voldo and Darth Megatron. All three men/women/creatures/whatever had a foursome with Darth Darth Binks; the resulting mindfuck led to Gormandophitia's impregnation and caused him/her/it/whatever to give birth to two annoying droid Shitspawn children, Patroklos and Pyrrha, who later renamed themselves Mudflap and Skids and defected to the Autobots. At this point, Gormandophitia changed their Sith title to Darth MILF (short for Man, I Look Fucked).

God then offered Gormandophitia the chance to de-fuse into its two constituent beings if Sophitia promised to sleep with him and his son Heishiro Mitsurugi, the most badass samurai in the universe. Needless to say, Gormandophitia refused. Satan then appeared (since they put him in Soulcalibur too) and split Gormandophitia back into his/her/its/their/my/your two constituent beings, PWNing Gormaanda in the process. Shortly afterwards, he slept with Sophitia.

MarriageEdit

"Oh, Vader, your helmet is so smooth..."
"Indeed! Women are attracted to power and money, and I have both!"
"No, your helmet just turns me on...
"
―Conversation between Sophitia and Darth Vader[src]

Relieved, Sophitia then got married to a blacksmith faggot loser named Rothion. However, despite what the media will tell you, Rothion was willed out of existence by Satan about a week into their marriage, since, you know, he wanted Sophie for himself.

Satan then proceeded to marry himself to Sophitia, only to be distracted by Juno Eclipse somehow appearing and undressing herself. Satan watched in amazement, while Darth Vader - the one who sent Juno in the first place - seduced Sophitia and married her. They had two kids, Lukee and Leeia, who were basically evil versions of Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa (the "e" is for evil in both cases).

When Satan was done watching Juno undress herself, he found out what happened, and promptly used his sinning powers to make Sophitia sleep with him. Vader, however, didn't seem to care too much.

People who Sophitia slept with happilyEdit

People who Sophitia slept with unhappilyEdit

People who refused to sleep with SophitiaEdit

People killed by SophitiaEdit

Behind the scenesEdit

"Gah, why are Japanese people so morally degenerate. I just searched through a couple pages of Sophitia's image search results."
"because they don't have an upstanding religion like Christianity (snickers)"
"I encountered no less than 3 distinct fetishes.
"
―Two Wookiepedians on Sophitia's big boobies[src]
Sophitia

Sophitia is distinguished by her large, barely covered breasts. Ivy has the same characteristic, but it doesn't count because she's ugly.

Sophitia was created when the Japanese video game company Bamco (the company behind Mrs. Gonk) discretely scanned the brain of every young adult male on Earth in order to find out about their deepest sexual fantasies. All these fantasies were combined to create Sophitia, but first, all fantasies having to do with brunettes, redheads, women with wacky hair colors, fat women, anorexic women, overly muscular women, annoying women, bald women, old women, little girls, women that weren't even human, women that weren't even female, inanimate objects and men were eliminated from the design process.

AppearancesEdit

See alsoEdit

ReferencesEdit

  1. She doesn't look like a 500-year-old lady at all, doesn't she?
  2. See the article for her clone template
  3. Speculated that she might have breast implants
  4. Reasoning: why would a brave holy warrior like Sophitia marry a useless pile of crap like Rothion?
  5. Lord Hades' other arch-enemy, Hercules, also had a girlfriend named Meg, but she wasn't anything to write home about (especially compared to a certain other "Meg"). Hercules was a dork anyway, especially in the Star Wars universe.
  6. Originally, the sword belonged to Cervantes' good friend Palpatine, who decided to give it to Cervantes as a present for his fifth birthday.



RicOlieRight
This article is called Sophitia Alexandra. Sophitia Alexandra has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Sophitia Alexandra can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.

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