Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens

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Star trek into darkness main title recreation by antovolk-d64b9hl

Episode VII is the brain child of certified Hack and destroyer of Universes JJ Abrams (who shall now be referred to as Jar Jar Abrams). The plot apparently involves some dude that was hallucinating thinking he was Revan after smoking about a planet's worth of weed. Also Chewbacca is apparently alive and Han Solo/Chewie are home (I wonder how much they had to bribe Harrison Ford to participate in this mockery).


Jar Jar Abrams

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Episode 7 characters

Episode 7 has a cast of lovely characters with such wonderful and original names such as Kylo Ren, Captain Phasma, General Hux, Supreme Leader Snoke, Rey, Finn and Poe Dameron.

The Bankrupt First Order, or the bad guys, builds the massive Starkiller Base and also gave their troopers expensive new costumes.

Opening CrawlEdit

Luke Skywalker has ceased to be visible from the galaxy. While in his absence, the sinister Neo-Confederate Socalist Order of the First Galactic Empire has risen and will not rest until the planets where Skywalker and the other Jedi are destroyed.

With the support of the New Grand Monarchy of Democracy and Mary Sues, Supreme Captain Leia Organa leads a brave resistance. She is nearly in a bitchy mood as she looks for her brother to help restore peace and justice everywhere.

Leia has sent one of her whinny bitches to the planet Jakku, where an old ally has discovered a clue to where the last remaining Twinkie in the Galaxy is (along with Luke).....


30 years after the Death Star II is assploded by the Rebel Alliance, Luke Skywalker has mysteriously disappeared, while the malevolent Neo-Nazis First Order have risen from the ashes of the Galactic Empire (Obviously!). Mary Tyler Moore has organized a "Brave and fearless" Resistance to fight against the Neo-Empire while searching for Luke himself.

We then begin this crap-tastic voyage on a planet called "Jakku". Poe Dameron is given a flash drive of endless porn and the map to Skywalker by Lor San Tekka. Suddenly, the bowling ball beeps with alert and terror, Dameron then says "We've got company" untimely making him a second Darth Obvious. Anyway, an ambush then takes place lead by the feminist and some emo in Revan's mask. During the attack, one Stormtrooper is fatally shot in the chest while his partner, Finn looks on in shock. In his dying moments, the trooper wipes semen on Finn's helmet, to which Finn has an anxiety attack, and everything starts to look blurry.

Eventually, Dameron is captured by the First Order, and soon is tortured by Kylo Ren himself by showing Dameron The Clone Wars series. Poe is later taken by Finn and soon, the two plan an escape.

Meanwhile, we are introduced to Rey, yet another Mary Sue in the whole friggin' galaxy. She is seen collecting bootlegged copies of The Star Wars Holiday Special.

At some point, Finn, BB-8, and Rey soon cross paths and then two Bad Mother Frackers ambush the trio. They soon escape on some YT Model Freighter laying in the background.

When the trio leave Jakku's orbit, they get captured (AGAIN). This time, they meet The Walking Carpet and Han Solo. You'd think that when Solo said "We're home", you thought he mistook the Falcon for a retirement home, but no.

It turns out, Solo is being chased by two mob groups: The Soviet Union Guavian Death Gang, and Kanjiklub. Of course, you already know what happens next.

Meanwhile, at Sauron's Tower, Gollum discusses the recent events that happened earlier. He then orders some ginger to use the superweapon on the capital of the New Republic, Hosnian Prime.

Anyways, the ragtag team travel to Takodana so that they can talk to Jazz Kentucky about the recent incidents as well. For some reason, Kanata then grabs a lightsaber from out of nowhere and offers the saber to Rey, but she is too much of a Mary Sue and runs away.

At the same time, the ginger gives a speech that completely rips off the Nuremberg Rallies. When the ginger finally succumbs to Laryngitis, Hosnian Prime goes out with a boom.

The First Order then invades Takodana for some reason, and eventually captures Rey.

More things happen...yada yada yada...Solo dies...Battle on Starkiller Base...Luke is found...that's it

Bottom Line: You let this happen Disney. you fucked this up, and I won't forgive you.

(Just Kidding, it's a good movie)

Behind the scenesEdit

Upon making the film Jar Jar Abrahams was quoted as saying "Hey you guys I hate the prequels and have no respect for George Lucas at all. Why don't we just make force awakens like a shot for shot remake of A New Hope. We will sprinkle in a little from the Empire Strikes back and return of the Jedi too. Nobody will notice." I hate to say this but, Dave Filoni should have directed this motherfracking failure of a sequel.

The original title was "Star Wars: The Force Sets an Early Alarm for a Red Eye Flight." However the studio felt it was too long.

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