Episode VII is the brain child of certified Hack and destroyer of Universes JJ Abrams (who shall now be referred to as Jar Jar Abrams). The plot apparently involves some dude that was hallucinating thinking he was Revan after smoking about a planet's worth of weed. Also Chewbacca is apparently alive and Han Solo/Chewie are home (I wonder how much they had to bribe Harrison Ford to participate in this mockery).
30 years after the Death Star II is assploded by the Rebel Alliance, Luke Skywalker has mysteriously disappeared, while the malevolent
Neo-Nazis First Order have risen from the ashes of the Galactic Empire (Obviously!). Mary Tyler Moore has organized a "Brave and fearless" Resistance to fight against the Neo-Empire while searching for Luke himself.
We then begin this crap-tastic voyage on a planet called "Jakku". Poe Dameron is given a flash drive of endless porn and the map to Skywalker by Lor San Tekka. Suddenly, the bowling ball beeps with alert and terror, Dameron then says "We've got company" untimely making him a second Darth Obvious. Anyway, an ambush then takes place lead by the feminist and some emo in Revan's mask. During the attack, one Stormtrooper is fatally shot in the chest while his partner, Finn looks on in shock. In his dying moments, the trooper wipes semen on Finn's helmet, to which Finn has an anxiety attack, and everything starts to look blurry.
Eventually, Dameron is captured by the First Order, and soon is tortured by Kylo Ren himself by showing Dameron The Clone Wars series. Poe is later taken by Finn and soon, the two plan an escape.
When the trio leave Jakku's orbit, they get captured (AGAIN). This time, they meet The Walking Carpet and Han Solo. You'd think that when Solo said "We're home", you thought he mistook the Falcon for a retirement home, but no.
Anyways, the ragtag team travel to Takodana so that they can talk to Jazz Kentucky about the recent incidents as well. For some reason, Kanata then grabs a lightsaber from out of nowhere and offers the saber to Rey, but she is too much of a Mary Sue and runs away.
The First Order then invades Takodana for some reason, and eventually captures Rey.
More things happen...yada yada yada...Solo dies...Battle on Starkiller Base...Luke is found...that's it
Bottom Line: You let this happen Disney. you fucked this up, and I won't forgive you.
(Just Kidding, it's a good movie)
Behind the scenesEdit
Upon making the film Jar Jar Abrahams was quoted as saying "Hey you guys I hate the prequels and have no respect for George Lucas at all. Why don't we just make force awakens like a shot for shot remake of A New Hope. We will sprinkle in a little from the Empire Strikes back and return of the Jedi too. Nobody will notice." I hate to say this but, Dave Filoni should have directed this motherfracking failure of a sequel.
The original title was "Star Wars: The Force Sets an Early Alarm for a Red Eye Flight." However the studio felt it was too long.