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Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens

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Star trek into darkness main title recreation by antovolk-d64b9hl
Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens
Director(s)

Jar Jar Abrams

Producer(s)
Writer(s)

Dr. Seuss

Starring
Music by

Beethoven

Distributor

Mickey Mouse

Released

Unfortunately

Runtime

Too long

Budget

Not enough

Canon

Fuck You

Language

Engrish

Timeline

Not anymore, fuckwads!!!

Era

Utter Bullshat Era

Preceded by

A Million Ways To Blow Up The Death Star

Followed by

More Bullshat


Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens is the "seventh" movie of the Star Wars saga, and brain child of certified hack and destroyer of Universes: J. J. Abrams (who shall now be referred to as Jar Jar Abrams). The plot apparently involves some dude that was hallucinating, thinking he was Revan after smoking about a planet's worth of weed. Also Chewbacca is apparently alive and with Han Solo, and they are home (I wonder how much they had to bribe Harrison Ford to participate in this mockery). Episode 7 has a cast of lovely characters with such wonderful and original names such as Kylo Ren, Captain Phasma, General Hux, Supreme Leader Snoke, Rey, Finn and Poe Dameron. The Bankrupt First Order, or the bad guys, builds the massive Starkiller Base and also gave their troopers expensive new costumes.

Opening CrawlEdit

EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS
Luke Skywalker has ceased to be visible from the galaxy. While in his absence, the sinister Neo-Confederate Socialist Order of the First Galactic Empire has risen and will not rest until the planets where Skywalker and the other Jedi are destroyed.

With the support of the New Grand Monarchy of Democracy and Mary Sues, Supreme Captain Leia Organa leads a brave resistance. She is nearly in a bitchy mood as she looks for her brother to help restore peace and justice everywhere.

Leia has sent one of her whinny bitches to the planet Jakku, where an old ally has discovered a clue to where the last remaining Twinkie in the Galaxy is (along with Luke).....

PlotEdit

30 years after the Death Star II was blown up, The galaxy is once again, threatened by the forces of evil. Basically, due to common sense, nothing has ever changed since Palpy had kicked the bucket. Anyways, Luke had "mysteriously vanished"[1] from the galaxy, and for some reason, a few Empire worshiping lowlifes had organized some sort of "First Order" in his absence. In other words, people felt bored without any of the cool explosions, and planetary destruction, and kickass Starfighter battles from the Original Trilogy.[2]

We begin our little acid trip in the village of Tamale on the planet Jakku. A hotshot pilot named "Poe Dameron" is given some sort of stick that actually contains the map to Luke himself. The plot's pretty cliche if you ask me, but thanks to common sense, Poe is ambushed by the First Order before he could escape. We then are introduced to a feminazi named "Phasma" and the whinny emo Kylo Ren, who are also looking for the map. Poe nearly shits his pants, but luckily he hides the map in a bowling ball called "BB-8. Meanwhile, a lone Stormtrooper by the name of "FN-2187" witnessed his friend being killed in the crossfire, and sure enough, the whole background looked blurry from Finn's POV. Eventually, the uproar ceases, and Poe is taken captive by the First Order.

Later, on a Star Destroyer that "finalized" things for some reason, Poe is put through interrogation by Kylo himself. After making Poe watch The Clone Wars, he cracks down from pressure and tells Kylo where the map is. Meanwhile, we are introduced to yet another Mary Sue, the junk scavenger Rey. We see her gathering scrap metal and bootlegged copies of The Star Wars Holiday Special inside a Star Destroyer that does anything but "inflict" things. Not too long after she encounters BB-8, while the latter is being held captive by another scavenger by the name "Teedo", who plans to use the droid for sex slavery harvesting his "parts".

Meanwhile, Poe and Finn plan to escape from Jakku, so they "borrow" a TIE fighter, and sure enough, they make it out alive. Unfortunately, God however flipped the bird in front of them, and they crash landed back on Jakku.[1][2]

Finn however, survives the crash, and tries to make way to shelter, using nothing but a sweatjacket. And, no, I'm not lying here: Finn uses only a jacket to travel across the desert. During a sandstorm. With no water. (T___T)[2]

Luckily, he makes it to Niima Outpost, where he runs to the nearest water pen, only to encounter Rey. The two exchange words while trying not to be intimate[2] Sure enough, The First Order attacks the both of them, so they decide to escape by hiding in the nearest ship. Here are three clues to which ship they end up:

  1. The owner is not Darth Elmo
  2. The ship can look like a piece of junk, when it really looks like a piece of shit
  3. It's the Millennium Falcon

After a lengthy dogfight (assuming if Disney even has the balls to show one), the dynamic duo escape the planet itself. But, they land into another pediment. This time, they land upon a cargo ship called the "Eravana". At this point, the audience is only happy for the most part,[2] mainly because of the reintroduction of Indiana Han Solo and his butt buddy, who for some reason announce that they're "home".

However, thanks to a snafu, Han is being chased by two mafia groups: The Soviet Union Guavian Death Gang and the People's Republic of China Kanjiklub. To make matters worse, Han was ordered to deliver a few creatures called "Rathtars" to King Prana. God only knows what kind of sick, twisted, horror awaits for them.

Meanwhile, on Starkiller Base, a giant hologram named "Snoke" discusses the recent events to a ginger referred to as "General Hux". Snoke then asks the ginger to come out of the closet and admit his homosexuality test the new base on the capitol of the New Republic: Hosnian Prime.[2]

Eventually, Solo and the gang make it out of the Eravana, and land on a grassy planet named "Tickle-Me-Elmo". There, they encounter an old prune named "Maz Kanata", who apparently claims to be "force-sensitive" even though she was never a Jedi herself.[2] Basically, she's an drug addict who goes on babbling nonsense all day long.[1] For some reason, Rey then gets her petite, sexy hands on a lightsaber that may or may not have been used as a marital aid, to which she experiences an acid trip Force vision. The only upside was that the audience didn't have to listen to the rambling of the lost souls from the prequel trilogy, especially the one who "loved" one other Jedi.

Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom Starkiller Base, the ginger gives a speech to the entire army of the First Order, which completely ripped off the Nuremberg Rallies. To make a long story short: Ginger goes "Sieg Heil", planet goes boom.

Behind the scenesEdit

Upon making the film Jar Jar Abrams was quoted as saying "Hey you guys I hate the prequels and have no respect for George Lucas at all. Why don't we just make force awakens like a shot for shot remake of A New Hope. We will sprinkle in a little from the Empire Strikes back and return of the Jedi too. Nobody will notice." I hate to say this but, Dave Filoni should have directed this motherfracking failure of a sequel.

Many of the film's scenes were hacked and cut severely in order to make the movie "semi-canon". One of these hacks included a deleted scene, in which a few rathtars are depicted having forceful relations with Rey, Finn, Han and Chewbacca.

The original title was "Star Wars: The Force Sets an Early Alarm for a Red Eye Flight." However the studio felt it was too long.

Notes and referencesEdit

  1. 1.0 1.1 1.2 Reasons To Hate Disney
  2. 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 2.4 2.5 2.6 Because Abrams Said So

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