English, a bit of Spanish here and there, and bit of Cybertronian
Transformers or Transformers (film) like this article calls it for some stoopid reason, or Star Wars Episode VII: Transformers is the seventh Star Wars film and first of the sequel trilogy.
The film begins with a narration from Darth Vader telling how a cube containing The Force is coming to Earth and many new droids called Decepticons have been sent after it. The screen cuts to earth where a helicopter transforms and kills people in order to hack files to find the cube. While doing so, it gives birth to a scorpion. Later, Ladiesman217 is doing show and tell with a lot of innuendos such as seamen (semen) and sextant (sex tent) while the hottest thing in the world watches with some sleazebag. After class, Ladiesman217 preaches to his teacher about God and leaves. Ladiesman's father gets him a 40-year-old virgin car that scares the shit out of Bobby Bolivia (like the country except without the runs). Then, Bobby's mammy gives him the finger and he threatens to bust her head with a rock, bitch, claiming she's deaf for some reason. Then, we meet Ladiesman217's mother, which ruins the movie and most of us go.
- For those who did not leave, the rest of the movie goes like this:
Ladiesman leaves in his shitty car which leaves a bunch of smoke which reminds his mom of her pot days. His dad tells her, "Judy, let the weed go." The screen cuts to the remaining survivors of the helicopter who are being stalked by its offspring. Some dude speaks Spanish and they say, "English, dude." The scorpion attacks, but then the captain of the team calls some Arab dude who picks his nose and tells them about a premium package. The Arab gives the scorpion a restraining order, so he sadly goes under the sand to masturbate. Back in the USA, Ladiesman217 goes to a party with Miles and has an inspiring discussion with the hottie and the sleazebag about the new book he is writing about the link between brain damage and football. He says all of the sleazebag's friends will love it because of the pop-up pictures, mazes, and coloring areas. Ladiesman becomes popular, so he leaves Miles behind as he drives the fox home while his car spontaneously plays Sexual Healing. Later, a plane with a stereotypical George W. Bush is attacked by a crazy psychopath who finds out where Ladiesman's grandpa's glasses with codes to where the cube is are. The crazy robot flees the scene in a Decepticon police car. At Ladiesman217's house, his car runs away and transforms into Bumblebee to alert the Autobots of the Decepticons. The cops think Ladiesman is stoned, especially after he admitted to having Busty Beauties hidden under his bed. He is taken to court and Judge Judy finds him guilty, forcing his crazy parents to bail him out. The next day, Satan's Camaro runs away again, leading Ladiesman to the police car by mistake. Bee-otch takes Ladiesman and Fox to somewhere and then fights and almost kills the police car. Then, a bunch of meteors crash down on Earth and turn into robots that are easily 1000 times cooler than Armageddon, I swear. The robots introduce themselves as the Autobots. They consist of Optimus Prime, the leader, Ratchet, the old bag, Ironhide, the Clint Eastwood bot, Jazz, the nigga, Rodney Copperbottom, the inventor, and Fender, the Robin Williams comic relief. They tell Ladiesman217 about the Decepticons' plan to retrieve the Force Cube, destroy your planet, and revive their leader--Darth Megatron. Ladiesman searches for grandpappy's glasses so the Autobots can find the Force Cube, but is interrupted by his deranged, drunken mother who claims he has been having his "happy time". Sam gets pissed and calls Sector Seven who arrest his mom for drug abuse. Megan Fox then discovers that the glasses were in her purse the whole time, so Turturro and his agents escort them and the Autotots to Hoover Dammit where the cube is. While Bee-otch is busy making the cube pocket size, the psycho robot who disguised himself as Megan's cell phone goes to another room where Darth Megatron is frozen and unfreezes him. Megatron transforms into a jet, leaves, and promptly
has sex with orders Starscream to get the Autobots and rape Megan Fox. Starscream goes to Los Angeles Mission City where the Autobots and Ladiesman are and fires a few missiles that set off explosions. Next, some random Decepticons named Madame Gasket, Blackout, and some guy named Devastator who is actually Brawl come and fight the Autobots too. Meanwhile, Optimus Prime fights Darth Bonecrusher and cuts his head off, making a fanboy say "Cool, Mom!" Then, the cop car appears, but then disappears.
The soldiers manage to kill Blackout and
Devastator Brawl with a lot of explosions and butt sliding. An injured Bee-otch and Megan go around in Longarm, randomly shooting everywhere. Ladiesman217 is instructed to get to the top of a building where Yoda is waiting to take the cube to safety. Ladiesman is chased by Darth Megatron and falls off the building, but Optimus catches him. Ladiesman runs to safety while Optimus and Megatron haul out their lightsabers and begin to fight. Megatron cuts Prime's arm off, but before he can deliver the final blow, he decides to rip Jazz in half and flick Michael Bay with his finger, saying, "Disgusting!" Megatron again prepares to kill Optimus, but unknown to the Darth, he accidentally flicked Michael Bay into a bomb trigger, setting off a bunch of random
explosions that tear Meggie apart. With Megatron defeated, all the 'Cons get dumped into the supposed deepest part of the ocean (the Mariana trench is actually deeper, but it doesn't sound as cool) and Ladiesman and Megan Fox make out on top of Bumblebee. The film ends with Bumblebee asking Ladiesman if he could make out on top of him someday, to which Ladiesman replies, "Fuck off!"
- Autobots, Jedi, and Humans
- Sam Witwer-cky as Ladiesman217. The stupid whiny boy (unlike his actor).
- Darth Evil as Megan Fox. Darth Unicron's wife.
- Peter Cullen as Optimus Prime. The awesome leader of the Autotots.
- Ewan McGregor as Rodney Copperbottom. The character is parodied in Robots.
- Robin Williams as Fender. The rusty guy who falls apart. Also parodied in Robots.
- John Turturro as Seymour Simmons. The awesomest character overall.
- Mark Ryan should not be credited for his small role as Bumblebee.
- Clint Eastwood as Ironhide. He likes to shoot things.
- Robert Foxworth as Ratchet. Old fagbag. Likes to talk about mating.
- CENSORED FOR THE SAKE OF BLACK PEOPLE
- Larry King as Yoda. The leader of the Jedi.
- Sith and Decepticons
- Agent Smith as Darth Megatron. The supposed leader of the 'Cons.
- James Earl Jones as Darth Vader. The narrator.
- Charlie Addlebrain as The Fag. Nuff said.
- Gene Simmons as Madame Gasket. Parodied in Robots.
- Leo the Lion and Tony the Tiger as the rest of the Decepticons. They only growl.
- Bernie Mac as Ladiesman217's mom. Druggie.
The movie was about to receive extremely positive reviews by critics, but then they saw Ladiesman217's mom. Critics and audiences alike went crazy, even going so far as to attempt to murder Bernie Mac, the portrayer of the character. Darth Bay promised to replace Mac with Julie White (BIG MISTAKE). Darth Roger Eggbert stated, "If bad movies could destroy things, Transformers would destroy your planet!" He tends to review other films in a similar fashion.
General consensus holds that the movie has nothing to do with Star Wars; however, in the extended cut, Darth Vader and Yoda get 15 minute battle scenes all to themselves and even turn into Twansfwoamas.
A sequel entitled Star Wars Episode VIII: Revenge of the Fallen was first announced in 2008 by Darth Bay. The film was released in 2009. The film was then shut down in 2010 due to restrictions because it hacked into government websites. It was then re-released in 2011, to lame reactions. Reactions like "What the fonz has my cat done on my rug?"
The world ended in 2012, which meant humanity didn't have to put up with this kind of shit any more.