|Star Wars Episode XIV: A New Galaxy|
Star Wars Episode XIV: A New Galaxy was the fourteenth film in the Star Wars saga. It depicted the adventures of the semi-rogue Jedi Master <insert name here> who, after winding up on Earth, begins ministering the Jedi Code, eventually becoming known as Jesus Christ. The film was released in the spring of 2019 to an overwhelming response of "meh", from critics and fans alike. Female viewers, on the other hand, loved it, thus making it an excellent date movie.
Main story arcEdit
By the year 42,169, the galaxy has become somewhat boring, at least where civilization holds sway, with a couple dozen millennia since the last act of planetary destruction. With the Outer Rim still in a state of flux, and the Unknown Regions still largely unknown even after thousands upon thousands of years of peace, one Jedi is sent out to bring some sanity and compassion to those areas. Problems begin almost immediately when the Jedi Master's starship is sucked into a wormhole. After a wild ride, the Jedi finds himself in the Milky Way galaxy, on ancient Earth, in a world dominated by sandal-wearing morons in togas and tunics. The uneducated masses, seeking comfort in the protagonist's teachings of the Jedi Code, declare the Force-wielding Jedi to be their Messiah, calling him Jesus Christ.
After gathering twelve particularly trustworthy followers, whom he called "apostles", Jesus travels throughout the known Earth whist continuing to spread his teachings. After a while, he picks up a lowly joint dealer, Drawkcab H'trad, to keep the drug-addicted apostles happy. Religious leaders at that time were not happy with Jesus's new ways, and decided that they would be better off without him. They begin offering a large amount of money for any information leading to the capture of Jesus, an offer which H'trad takes up. He turns Jesus over to the authorities because, in reality, H'trad was Darth Awesome's Sith apprentice. And so, after Jesus and his apostles celebrate Passover, he signals a small band of Roman stormtroopers to take the supposed Messiah away. They take Jesus to a prison, torture him, and then bring him to a courthouse to be tried. H'trad testifies against Jesus and helps to get him crucified. Fortunately for Jesus, he has the power of the Force, and uses a mind trick to convince everyone that he was dead. H'trad, despite being a Sith, does not notice this, partially because he is drunk from celebrating.
The movie actually starts out with the sub-plot of Darth Judas, or Drawkcab H'trad, who attends the Sith Academy until he is caught smoking Dagobah Green, resulting in his expulsion. The film then shows H'trad showing up at the doorstep of Darth Awesome's Awesome Cave of Awesomeness with his parents, Steve and Guri Perry. The movie then moves foward to H'trad's training. The scene finishes and the first three words of the movie are hissed from Darth Awesome's Awesome Hood of Awesomeness: "You are ready." The movie then follows H'trad as he tracks Jesus to Earth, where he disguises himself as a joint-dealer and joins Jesus' ranks.
|Liam Neeson||Jesus Christ|
|Tom Cruise||Drawkcab H'trad|
|Samuel L. Jackson MCMLXXVII||Mace Windu MCMLXXVII|
|Lelslie Nielsen||Mary Magdalene|
|The Doll Family, Ovitz family, and Gary Coleman||Doc|
|Steve Perry||Darth Awesome|
|Alec Baldwin||Soldier #1-20|
|Will Smith||Soldiers #20-47|
Behind the scenesEdit
A New Galaxy was supposed to be the first to utilize full-digital "life-animation", complete with electronically-generated unique voice acting, making it the first truly actor-free film. The Screen Actors' Guild, however, objected vehemently, and so the essences of four dead actors were duplicated, with their salaries donated to their respective pet charities.
In a deleted scene, Jesus was to have turned punch and pie into wine and luxurious confections. However, the scene was ultimately cut for "pacing" reasons -- just like how the second lap of Li'l Annie's podrace was sliced out.
Will Smith and Alec Baldwin played all forty-seven Roman stormtroopers in the film. Smith provides his likeness and personality to twenty-seven soldiers, while Baldwin only lends his talents to twenty.