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- "Only Imperial Stormtroopers are so stupid."
- ―A Rebel after seeing a Stormtrooper accidentally shoot himself
Stormtroopers were the Galactic Empire's "most elite super-bombad troops evah", and they were used to capture planets when destruction was not an option. Sadly, most of the time they were too busy getting their asses blasted by Rebel scum to be able to take over any planets. What follows is an account of a typical Stormtrooper's life and how they actually lived; if you choose not to read any further, we don't blame you. No one really likes these guys anyways.
Most Stormtroopers were innocent men recruited by the Empire using cruel recruitment methods, but only stupid and foolish men were seduced by these methods so most Stormtroopers weren't very smart and none of them could shoot straight. In fact, because of their extreme stupidity, many Stormtroopers accidentally destroyed the ships hauling them over to Imperial Academies for their training; they accomplished this by accidentally setting off the explosives put conveniently inside of these cargo ships. This accounted for the loss of 75% of the recruits before they even made it to an Imperial Academy.
Because of the fatal flaw of stupidity among these white-suited pansies more than 50% of all recruits who actually made it to an Imperial Academy died during "training accidents." Most of these accidents involved one recruit accidentally shooting the man next to him instead of the target right in front of him; sometimes these accidents propagated into fully-fledged massacres because the idiots didn't know when to stop shooting. Other training accidents included the misuse of heavy weaponry while in live-fire demonstrations and the failure of the Stormtroopers to read the "Danger" signs before walking into a minefield. And some accidents were even caused by recruits that did not know how to use grenades (or were playing with their grenades) and accidentally set one off in their barracks, killing all recruits inside. This is why the barracks were small; there was only room for ten troopers in each barrack, which is most likely the smartest thing the Empire ever did.
Their training regimen was also tough and over-complicated when compared with the 39 IQ level of these Stormtroopers. The requirements for passing from the Imperial Academy consisted of marksmanship, creativity, IQ, ability to handle Jedi effectively, weapon usage, vehicle usage, and the ability to pacify a bunch of teddy bears. Since no Stormtrooper alive was known to be able to accomplish any of these skills, many were held back for years and years until the Empire finally realized that they could use the held-back troops as cannon fodder for Darth Vader.
- 05.00: The trainees wake up to the sound of their sarge yelling at them to 'rise and shine' with a megaphone.
- 05.30: The sarge berates the trainees and sends them through the live round targeting range.
- 06.00: Breakfast.
- 06.05: Time for the daily beating.
- 12.05: Lunch break.
- 12.10: Beating enhances.
- 15.20: The sarge gets tired of watching his trainees suffer and goes to the barracks to watch the Star Wars porn channel.
- 15.30: Soccer, Dark Troopers vs. Stormtroopers. (Basketball on Fridays and Saturdays, Football on Sundays)
- 16.30: After losing 0-175 for another consecutive week the sarge berates the trainees even more, then he rapes them in the mouth and sends them through the live round firing range again.
- 17.45: Dinner, The trainees insults the sarge behind his back.
- 18.00: After finding out that the trainees have been insulting him behind his back, the sarge sends the trainees through the firing range yet again.
- 18.30: Lessons in unarmed combat, the teachers mercilessly beat the hell out of the trainees until 19.30.
- 19.30: Formation exercise.
- 21.00: Disappointed by terrible results, the sarge sends the trainees through the firing range again.
- 21.30: Rifle aiming lessons, the trainees fail miserably
- 22.30: The trainees celebrate the fact that they survived the day by congratulating each other. The sarge complains about the noise and sends them through the firing range.
- 23.00: Bedtime.
- 00.00: Air-raid drill.
- 05.00: Repeat.
There was also much racial, homosexual, and alien prejudice; there was so much in fact that if you were caught being any one of these three things, your fingers were cut off and you were made to strip off your clothes to be laughed at by the higher ups. Then, Vader would finally choke them.
The recruits that did survive the training were given a white armored suit and a rifle, and then they would be sent to fight the Rebellion. Of course, given that the suit didn't allow them much freedom of movement (or the ability to take a crap at their leisure, for that matter), and the fact that the marksmanship of the Stormtroopers was poor and the rifles they used were just sticks made to look like blasters, it doesn't seem like Palpy cared for them very much. At least not like he did for Annie.
The only truly bad-ass Clones were the ones from the 501st Legion who participated in Operation Knightfall with Darth Vader. The Jedi were obviously expecting Clones much less bad-ass than they were, allowing for their demise to transpire and fill all of Coruscant's people with joy over the fact that the Jedi Temple was now not clogging up so much airspace.
Over the many years that followed, Clones received a number of changes to their walking deathtraps and their weapons, until the fateful day when the crap that was the Stormie was spewed out. These newly anointed Stormies were half as effective against droids as the Clones were, and even less effective than that against normal people.
Fighting the RebelsEdit
Many, if not all, Stormtroopers died fighting the Rebels. The life expectancy of a normal Stormtrooper, after said trooper had made contact with the Rebels, was about 10 minutes. These ten minutes also included the time it would take for their landing craft to reach a planet's surface or the time it would take to blow open the door of a Rebel ship. This meant that a normal Stormtrooper had about 5 seconds to live after the first Rebel had seen him. Introduction of a Jedi or Sith would result in even less time, as shown by the all-PWNningness of Starkiller, aka the Secret Apprentice.
There were, of course, exceptions to this rule.
One such exception occurred when Darth Vader ordered a group of Stormtroopers to capture Princess Leia. Lord Vader was able to "properly motivate" his troopers by killing half of them and telling the other half he would kill them too if they didn't bring back the Princess alive. So, sure enough, Princess Leia was brought back somewhat alive, and it was a "victory" for the Stormtroopers.
Another exception occurred during the Battle of Hoth; it was again Lord Vader who managed to "properly motivate" his troops. This time he did not only kill half of them and threaten to kill the other half, he also gave them huge armored Imperial walkers to hide in during the attack, which made it impossible for the Rebels to kill the Stormtroopers. The walkers were also armed with giant sticks, which were thrown at the weakling Rebels, causing their unconditional surrender. Once again, Daddy Vader managed to save the day.
Then came the Emperor's shot at "motivation." You see, when the Emperor tried to motivate a legion of his "best troops" (aka cannon fodder) to defeat the Rebels on Endor, the Empire did not only lose the battle, the Emperor and Darth Vader also ended up dead.
The Emperor motivated his troops by saying that there were only 20 Rebels and hundreds of cute little teddy bears on the planet, which was an obvious over-exaggeration of their numbers on his part; he also said that the bears were no threat to the Empire whatsoever, as they were, "only armed with the most advanced bows and arrows this side of the Hydian Way," joked good ol' Palpy. However, he was wrong and the entire Imperial legion was wiped out by the bears (albeit with the help of Wookiees and Chicken Walkers), and the Rebels PWN3D the second Death Star. Everyone thought Lord Vader had killed the Emperor to save Luke Skywalker (which Luke always told everyone around the campfire at night), but he had actually killed his Master for not properly motivating the Stormtroopers.
After the Battle of Endor all known Stormtroopers were dead, and most likely eaten by the Ewoks. It is unknown if the Empire had reserve legions or if the remaining Imperial Commanders succeeded in recruiting and training new troops without Lord Vader's help.
After the "tragedy" that was Endor, Stormtroopers now felt a new sense of pride and honor, and felt compelled to give their lost comrades their justified revenge through blood. However, no changes were made to the training regimen (except for the occasional fashion change; you just gotta love those pauldrons!), meaning the Stormies still sucked bad.
This was most apparent at the Imperials' attempted recapture of Endor. Once again, the Stormtroopers were completely overwhelmed by the stone-wielding furry little monsters. And the victory for the teddy bears was made even more sweet because of the fact that the surrender of the Imperials had given them the technology to finally go off in search of just a little fun.
Stormies were also responsible for the demise of all of the respectable barons of the Galactic Civil War. I mean seriously, the barons had everything planned out so perfectly to get rid of the Rebels, then in go the Stormtroopers and everyone winds up dead. And you'd think the barons would be able to get rid of these guys by now?
During the Yuuzhan Vong War, Stormies accounted for 95% of the trillions of casualties; this included the Stormies who were either banned or retired in disgrace from service. In fact, the only reason the New Republic ever used the Stormies was to see if the old cannon fodder routine still worked. Well guess what "Chief of State" Princess Leia, it didn't, so you can cry your fat ass back to Tatooine for all we care.
During Jacen Solo's "rise" to power, most Stormtroopers were gagged by the GAG (hah, it's a pun, get it?), and were put in warehouses for later use. Eventually, part of the Imperial Remnant got pissed off at the Moff Council for their neglect of the poor-shot Stormies; they later thought up a plan to take all of the Stormies in storage and turn them to the Dark Side in order to create "Super-Stormies." These "Super-Stormies" would have used their Forcie powahs to make whiskey appear out of thin air; this would have actually had a positive effect on their aiming capabilities and resulted in the ultimate trooper the Empire had been pretending they had for so many years. However, the plan failed horribly, with most of the people assigned the task of retrieving the Stormies either getting bored with the plan or accidentally cutting off certain body parts with glowsticks. So in the end, Admiral Natasi Daala just settled for using the Maw irregular fleet to get the job done. And look how happy Jacen is that he let the Stormies get put in storage when they could have been used as his cannon fodder bodyguards; don't you think he and Jaina Solo just get along so perfectly now?
Later, when Cade Skywalker started down the "road to redemption" (aka his lifetime use of deathsticks), Stormies were once again given importance in the Empire, even becoming Roan Fel's trusty bodyguards. This ultimately proved to be the demise of the new Empire, as the Stormies just couldn't stand up to the non-PWNingness of Darth Krayt, and eventually gave in to his Rule of Nothing.
Special Stormtrooper ClassesEdit
- Toilet trooper, trained to raid public toilets.
- Poop trooper, patrol the galaxy's most disgusting sewer systems for signs of anything from shits to full-sized craploads.
- Beach trooper, run about wearing swimming trunks and bikinis for the rare female troopers.
- Disco trooper, dressed in Lycra and polyester, with wide collars.
- Sex trooper, tasked with visiting single women.
- Fuck trooper, trained to be right foul mouths.
- Thomas the Tank Engine-trooper, specially trained so Annie can enjoy his favorite show.
- Incinerator trooper, designed to raze forests to the ground, even when their own forces are in pitched combat with the toughest warriors in the galaxy, a.k.a. the infamous Ewoks.
- Purge trooper, pieces of droid shit that came before the Dark Trooper Project; they are colloquially called "the Stormtrooper version of Hulk Hogan" by everyone including themselves.
- Stormtrooper, the piece of shit we've been talking about this whole damn article.
- Scout trooper, trained to snipe and also trained to put on white armor in the forest when camo would have worked a lot better.
- Stormtrooper Commanders, the guys who only thought they had been given a high position of authority over other Stormies; really, this rank was just a gimmick to get even more stupid people to join the Empire's ranks of already vast stupidity.
- EVO troopers, Stormies who can absorb Force lightning and use it to recharge their PSPs when their batteries die; how exciting!
- Shadowtroopers, Stormies who are trained to believe they're in suits that can make them invisible, allowing them to be almost as good of cannon fodder as regular Stormies are.
- Shadow EVO troopers, a variant of the EVO trooper who can charge his PSP and also be as good of cannon fodder as Shadow troopers are, all at the same time!
- Imperial Commanders, the guys who thought gray was a fashionable color; they were usually wimpy, spineless, and annoyingly stupid, allowing for the chain of command above all other Stormies to be just as ineffective and stupid as the Stormies themselves were.
- Choke troopers, trained to excellently allow Lord Vader to choke them to death.
- Pooper scooper troopers were Imperial troops who cleaned up poop on Imperial ships, so sad :(
Behind the scenesEdit
It was a perfect decision on his part because he had a perfect explanation as to why the Stormies sucked, which was nicknamed the Stormtrooper Effect. This explanation is so well done that no one has ever made fun of it; well, until now.
Stormies' names refer to the word storm. What an exciting trip into Word-land, eh children?