The 250 Things that Dan the Stormtrooper is No Longer Allowed to Do In the Imperial Army

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Dan and his Ex-Girlfriend.

The 250 Things that Dan the Stormtrooper is No Longer Allowed to Do In the Imperial Army was a list compiled by Dan the Stormtrooper, after his term of enlistment with the Stormtrooper Corps was ended. It described a number of activities for which he was either reprimanded, punished, or just plain told not to do, during his time with Palpatine's Imperial Army. The list is as follows:

  1. My proper military title is 'Stormtrooper Second Class Dan Wallace', not 'Queen Gertrude of the Hapes Consortium'
  2. Marijuana smoking is not a proper training regimen.
  3. Not allowed to show up at checkpoints dressed in part of a Rebel uniform, messily drunk
  4. Even if my commander did it
  5. Not allowed to tempt rookies to "fall to the Dark Side of the Force"
  6. Not allowed to create additional levels of security clearance
  7. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief in the Force
  8. Not allowed to pretend to Force choke any officer
  9. Not allowed to adopt "Princess Leia"-style hair-buns
  10. Not allowed to add commanding officers' pictures to the "Wanted Jedi" listings
  11. Not allowed to join the Rebel Alliance
  12. Not allowed to join any Rebel coup d'état
  13. Not allowed to form any Rebel coup d'état
  14. Not allowed to donate money to the "Alderaanianian relief fund"
  15. Not allowed to leave the station when the Emperor is on the Death Star
  16. Not allowed to acknowledge the existence of a Death Star
  17. Mandalore may not contradict any of my orders
  18. Must not accuse superiors of being "Rebel scum"
  19. Must not taunt the Gungans anymore
  20. Must attempt not to antagonize the CSF.
  21. May not refer to clone troopers as 'test tube babies'
  22. Even if I do outrank them
  23. Not allowed to add “In accordance to the prophesy of the Chosen One” to the end of answers given to a superior officer
  24. Must not tell jokes about Grand Admiral Thrawn in front of his Noghri bodyguards
  25. Never attempt to sell weed, spice, or other recreational drugs to new officers
  26. May not look at naked pictures of my commanding officer's wife, even if she happens to be a porn actress
  27. Must never confuse a Twi'lek with a Rastafarian
  28. Must never tell a Mandalorian mercenary that "we kicked your asses all the way back to Mandalore"
  29. May not answer a commander's direct order in another language, especially Mando'a
  30. Not allowed to wake an ISB operative by repeatedly smacking him in the face with a bag of compost
  31. May not remove the magazines of especially annoying fedora-wearing lowlifes before battle
  32. May not remove the battery packs of especially annoying n00bs before battle
  33. May not remove the ammo case of especially annoying n00bs before battle
  34. Must not scavenge armor from dead troopers to sell for parts
  35. Even if those troopers were our enemies
  36. May not use Imperial walkers to "squish" things
  37. Not allowed to have flashbacks to wars I was not in: for example, the Jedi Civil War (NO, NO, IT CAN'T BE TARIS AGAIN!.)
  38. I am not to answer a superior officer with the words "I find your lack of faith disturbing..."
  39. Not allowed to ask for a day off on holidays, as they do not celebrate Life Day on Tatooine
  40. I do not command The Force
  41. I am not a Jedi
  42. My father was not Mace Windu
  43. My sister is not Mara Jade
  44. I am not to speak of Jedi again, or I will sufer the consequences
  45. I am not an Alderaanian princess
  46. I am not authorized to fire Grand Moff Tarkin
  47. An order to "Stay Frosty" is not a command to have a nice, cold bottle of Corellian ale
  48. Not allowed to pose as a gunner, in the hopes of the helmet hiding my silly grin
  49. The proper response to a command from the Emperor is not "Why?"
  50. Comparing Moffs or Grand Moffs to a specific brand of porn actress is generally a bad idea
  51. I may not download songs illegally and stream them inside my HUD
  52. Or the intercom system of any Imperial armored vehicle
  53. Must not use my helmet as a disposable toilet in the field
  54. May not modify the codpiece of the standard issue armor to make it "look bigger"
  55. May not modify the chest plate of the standard-issue armor to resemble breasts
  56. No 'going commando'; must wear the standard issue body glove along with said armor
  57. May not add Mandalorian regalia to my armor
  58. Even if I have killed a Mandalorian and taken his armor, per custom
  59. May not paint the back of my helmet to resemble the front
  60. May not attach fake 'lekku' to my helmet
  61. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.
  62. Must never utter the phrase 'The Emperor does not share your optimistic appraisal of the situation' to new privates
  63. I may not speak for the Emperor, even if he tells me to
  64. It is wrong to hang a 'Force Choke Me' sign from the back of any officer's uniform
  65. Not allowed to chew spice during formation
  66. Even if I brought enough for everyone
  67. I did not invent blue milk
  68. I should not assign new privates to "guard the flight line"
  69. Not allowed to use the phrase "What is this, the Imperial Inquisition?" when in the presence of Inquisitors
  70. May not bring a drag Wookiee to the legion formal dinner
  71. May not "tie-dye" my armor
  72. It is generally considered to be wrong to paint a bull's eye on any NCO's armor
  73. May not antagonize any Imperial soldier who happens to be from Alderaan
  74. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Alderaanian 'fruit slinging' incident
  75. I am not the Psychological Warfare mascot
  76. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision
  77. May not glue bantha hair to my body, in an attempt to get out of duty shifts as an 'unforgivable-act-of-terror' survivor
  78. The Force is not a part of my chain of command
  79. ???
  80. PROFIT
  81. A holocron gatekeeper may not countermand any orders
  82. I am not authorized to initiate the gizka population into the Empire
  83. Nor am I authorized to assign them a representative in the Galactic Senate
  84. May not wear a tutu over my armor
  85. May not engage in the sale or purchase of Twi'leks or other slaves while on duty
  86. May not paint a logo resembling hemp leaves on my armor
  87. The Mon Calamari are NOT best served live
  88. May not threaten new soldiers with a metal tube, decorated to resemble a lightsaber
  89. There is not a Kowakian monkey-lizard residing in my refrigerator
  90. May not glue oversized white horns to my helmet, adopt a phony accent, and pass myself off as a Devaronian
  91. May not paint myself orange and glue a pair of horns to my forehead and then put in for a suit of Devaronian armor
  92. May not paint my body to resemble a suit of armor, then show up to formation without armor
  93. I am an Imperial stormtrooper, not an Ewok with gigantism
  94. I am an Imperial stormtrooper, not a hairless, midget wampa
  95. I may not paint my armor to resemble that of Darth Vader, in order to scare officers
  96. I may not paint my armor to resemble that of Darth Vader, in order to scare new privates
  97. I may not paint my armor to resemble that of Darth Vader, period
  98. I may not sneak up behind any officer while mimicking Darth Vader's breathing
  99. May not infer to the local population that the Death Star will be arriving shortly
  100. Most especially if this happens to be the case
  101. The following items do not exist: Keys to Darth Vader's shuttle, a box of grid squares, winter walker shoes, helmet interior lights, comlink fluid, night vision lenses, Death Star superlaser batteries, or sun spot remover
  102. May not glue Lepi ears onto my helmet
  103. Must not create new Imperial bureaucracy forms, then insist they be filled out
  104. May not operate a business from the barracks
  105. Especially if it is a Holoshop pornography studio
  106. Even if it produces 'especially patriotic' pornography
  107. It is wrong to teach new privates offensive phrases in Huttese, while pretending to give them useful advice
  108. May not trade my blaster for: shockball cards, Milky Way bars, sexual favors, Rebel-issue blasters, armored vehicles, or uniforms, small children, or Twi'lek slaves
  109. Must not impersonate a rabid Selonian
  110. Not allowed to watch "Law and New Order" while on duty
  111. May not purchase anyone's soul on Imperial time
  112. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime—even if it's true
  113. May never ask anyone who outranks me if they have been chewing spice
  114. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if I am
  115. Not allowed to sing Mandalorian battle chants during operations
  116. Our medic is called “Sgt. DeSoto”, not “Dr. Feelgood”
  117. Our supply officer is “Lt. Wesley”, not “Sugar Daddy”
  118. Not allowed to go to Tosche Station to 'shake daddy's little money-maker for twenties stuffed into my armor'
  119. Not allowed to trade Imperial-issue equipment for 'magic crystals'
  120. Not allowed to sell magic crystals while on duty
  121. I may not mount a bayonet on any large-scale laser weaponry
  122. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence: budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this platoon and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black Coruscant mother, all members of 501st are latent homosexuals, tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Dantooine hooker, Alaskan Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid
  123. May not shave amusing words into the backs of Wookiee slaves while they're asleep
  124. May not call-block my chain of command
  125. May not make holo-posters that depict the failings of my chain of command
  126. The krayt dragon that lives near Anchorhead is not at the top of my chain of command
  127. Human Replica Droids do not entitle me to BAQ or separation pay
  128. There are no evil midget Hutts hiding under my rack
  129. May not line my helmet with cortosis to block out 'mind tricks'
  130. Nerf dung is not camouflage makeup
  131. May not taunt the scout troopers by calling them 'zoomies'
  132. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it
  133. I am not in need of a more suitable host body
  134. The proper response to the threat of a superweapon attack is not to tell my chain of command what I really think of them before poking holes in their protective masks
  135. Laser flechette mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are
  136. Must not mock command decisions in front of the galactic holo-press
  137. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for the Rebels
  138. I am not authorized to change Imperial policy in the Outer Rim
  139. I am not qualified to operate any Imperial or Rebel armored vehicles, walkers or starfighters
  140. I cannot trade my commanding officer to the Rebellion
  141. Due to a nasty mix-up, I may no longer preside over the officers' laundry
  142. May not program astromech droids to tail officers I dislike
  143. May not program interrogation droids to make an officer 'tell the truth'
  144. I am not authorized to order an assassin droid to carry out a 'hit'
  145. May not program training remotes to 'buzz' any officer
  146. There is no such person as XENU
  147. Nor am I the delegated representative of XENU
  148. I am also not the XENU chaplain
  149. I am to stop insisting that Earth exists immediately
  150. The Death Star will be operational as planned, despite my shenanigans
  151. There is no such thing as a virgin Twi'lek
  152. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me
  153. Two drink limit does not mean first and last
  154. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks
  155. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like
  156. “No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages” does not imply that a Gizer Ale® IV is acceptable
  157. Must not taunt the TIE pilots with promises of laughing gas in their cockpits
  158. Despite their nickname, Ithorian heads must never be used as hammers
  159. Teaching the children of Tatooine riff-raff to taunt other soldiers is wrong
  160. May not cruise Tosche Station in an attempt to pick up "power converters"
  161. I am not allowed to climb trees while on Endor
  162. May not perform a 'Hutt dance' while in uniform
  163. The regulation body glove is black, not magenta
  164. Bodychecking any officer of Admiral rank is generally inadvisable
  165. My armor is not made of white-colored hard candy, and should not be eaten
  166. Not allowed to 'defect' to the Rebellion during training exercises
  167. On Imperial Army documents, my species is Human, not 'Secretariat, in the third'
  168. There is no such thing as Force ghosts
  169. Nor do I have the capacity to witness them, even if there were
  170. While operating Imperial vehicles, I may not attempt something that I 'saw in a holovid'
  171. It is wrong to tell my commander that his razor bumps are caused by escaping midi-chlorians
  172. While on duty, I must wear my stormtrooper armor
  173. Just wearing the helmet is not considered wearing my stormtrooper armor
  174. I am not authorized to order the destruction of any planet, period
  175. I may not impersonate Darth Vader when speaking to any officer via my comlink
  176. I may not impersonate any superior officer when speaking via my comlink
  177. I may no longer use my comlink unless I receive an order to do so from a superior officer
  178. My inflatable Twi'lek slave doll is not part of my chain of command, and can therefore not order me to use my comlink
  179. My chain of command is not interested in why I "just happen" to have a skirt, an inflatable nerf, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my landspeeder
  180. I may not name my inflatable Twi'lek after my commanding officer's wife
  181. I may not name it after his daughter, either
  182. I may not 'use' my inflatable Twi'lek while on duty
  183. "The inflatable Twi'lek said she'd guard the prisoners while I bought some Corellian ale" is not a valid reason to leave my post
  184. Our landspeeders cannot be assembled to form a giant battle robot
  185. Not allowed to climb an AT-AT and ride on its back into battle
  186. Not allowed to climb a moving AT-AT, toss a length of cord around its neck, and pretend to 'ride' it
  187. "We were out of chicken" is not a valid reason for dismantling an AT-ST for parts
  188. Must not taunt the Anzati delegation with trays containing bowls full of soup
  189. May not challenge any officer to 'the field of honor'
  190. All confiscated lightsabers are to be turned over to the ISB immediately
  191. I am not authorized to 'upgrade' any Imperial-issue small arms
  192. There is no such thing as a "lightsaber bayonet"
  193. The Executor is painted gray, not "sky blue"
  194. Not allowed to reverse the gravity in my barracks and tack all the bunks to the ceiling
  195. Not allowed to do this to the new soldiers' barracks either
  196. Not allowed to reverse the gravity in the officer's mess while it is occupied
  197. “To conquer the galaxy with an army of spacefaring Ewoks” is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO
  198. π is not a part of my chain of command
  199. I am not authorized to cut hair, give tattoos, or perform body-piercings
  200. Not allowed to paint kill markings on TIE fighters that I have never flown
  201. Not allowed to replace the rockets in other troopers' ammo packs with paintball warheads
  202. Must not make a 'mohawk' out of nerf hair and glue it to my helmet
  203. The contents of an Imperial ration pack are not to be used as a personal lubricant
  204. My boots are not magical ruby slippers, and clicking them together while in formation is both irritating and wrong
  205. My armor is not interchangeable with that of female stormtroopers
  206. Nor is it interchangeable with that of female scout troopers
  207. Not allowed to make fake holocrons and sell them to fellow soldiers
  208. Don’t write up false gigs on a speeder bike repair report (”Broken clutch pedal”, “Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs”, “flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged”)
  209. Not allowed to ask a female officer if she is 'an angel'
  210. The mess hall has not and never will serve 'green eggs and ham'
  211. Not allowed to sing along to the Imperial March during visits by Darth Vader or the Emperor
  212. Must not use the word 'Darth' as an epithet when referring to officers which I dislike
  213. May not take incriminating holoimages of my chain of command
  214. May not use Holoshop to create incriminating photos of my chain of command
  215. May not apply small repulsorlift coils to my boots and pretend to 'fly' while on-base
  216. May not attach small wheels to my boots and 'skate' around the base while on duty
  217. I am not the king or queen of Narnia
  218. Not allowed to tell new soldiers that we will be fighting 'fire-breathing golden lions' before going into battle
  219. Not allowed to threaten officers with 'The Force'
  220. Not allowed to make a 'moonshine still' out of TIE fighter spare parts
  221. Not allowed to walk around the base, juggling any kind of grenade, live or not
  222. 'Tatooine Rabies' is not a real disease
  223. The Whills are not a part of my chain of command
  224. There is no Imperial base on Dagobah, and I should not put in for transfers to there
  225. Not allowed to adorn any part of my uniform with a 'smiley face'
  226. May not under any circumstances alter the programming of a protocol droid in any fashion
  227. Even if Darth Vader once did it
  228. Not allowed to get shot
  229. May not ask Darth Vader to autograph my copy of the Death Star plans
  230. Not allowed to possess any plans to any Imperial station of any kind
  231. A space-sickness bag is for space-sickness only
  232. Not allowed to sing "My Humps" during the Hutt delegation's visit
  233. Cheese catapults do not qualify as a crew-served weapon
  234. Not allowed to shout "All stations, prepare for ramming speed!" while on bridge duty
  235. Not allowed to store pornography on the main computer
  236. May not speak in Shyriiwook while on duty
  237. May not install a vocoder into my helmet which allows me to speak in 'more than six million forms of communication'
  238. May not read Darth Vader's diary over the Death Star's intercom
  239. May not paint my armor gold, silver or bronze, and then pose as a protocol droid
  240. I am an Imperial stormtrooper, not a meat puppet of the Emperor
  241. Not allowed to get three sets of silicone breast implants and pose as an Askajian
  242. The saying 'Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you' no longer applies to Stormtrooper Dan
  243. Not allowed to adopt stray neks and train them to "Sic Moff!"
  244. Must never call a Mandalorian "Bucket-Head"
  245. There is no such thing as 'flower power' and it is wrong to suggest otherwise
  246. Not allowed to paint myself blue, wear glowing red contact lenses, and pass myself off as a Chiss
  247. May not "skip to the loo my darlin'" while on duty
  248. May not introduce hallucinogens into the ship's water supply
  249. The correct response to a mission briefing is not "That's what you think"
  250. Does anyone even make these lists anymore?

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