Star Wars: The Clone Wars (not to be confused with The Clone Wars, The Clone Clone Wars, Star Wars: How come George Lucas is obsessed with the Clone Wars, Star Wars The Clone Wars, Star Wars/Clone Wars, Fail, or The Star Clone Wars Wars) is an animated television series not created by Seth MacFarlane. It takes place during the Clone Wars, as the title implies. In reality, this show is utterly fail. Would have been better, but we can all blame Ahsoka Tano for this Star Wars tragedy.
The Clone Wars (film)Edit
Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker participate in a battle for some reason. The Separatist commander, a runt Whiphid, orders a retreat, presumably to buy himself time to establish his character. Obi-Wan makes a snide comment about getting a new Padawan, apparently forgetting that Anakin isn't his Padawan anymore. Any who,
George Lucas God then introduced what fanboys, fangirls, and every Star Wars fan hates...Ahsoka Tano, whose true name is No Soup-a With-a Buffet. Anakin and No Soup-a truly made everyone's day. The fucking Mary Sue and the crybaby went to go save Jabba the Hutt's "son" Rotta and blah, blah, blah. Asajj Ventress then tries to stop the bitchy pair but no, No Soup-a is too much of a Mary Sue to get hurt. It was revealed that Jabba had a gay nephew who had relations with many droids. Count Dookie and the crybaby fight on Tatooine, which made no fucking sense, while the Mary Sue goes and fights four MagnaGuards that had glowing vibrators as weapons. She wins of course... Well then the frog, Obi-Wan, the crybaby and the Mary Sue have a happy ending. Oh yeah, and Obi-Wan and that one Seppy commander enjoy a cup of tea during the beginning battle. XD
The Frog Jedi Master Yoda and three clone troopers go to a random planet to talk about stuff while doing pot with a bunch of flying trash bags. But Asajj Ventress shows up and makes them watch her shave all her hair off again. Then she steals their pot, so they gang up on her and she runs away.
General Lee Grievous and Count Dookie decided to be all badass, so they made some massive Star Destroyer type thing, complete with a built-in cheap rip off of the PWN superlaser. Some guy in a mask went after the Star Destroyer, named the "Male violence". I don't know, go ask Georgy... He failed miserably, only to attract the attention of his once sex partner, No-Soup-a With-a buffet. The Crybaby and No-soup-a rescued that guy and a group of horny clones.
Shadow of MalevolenceEdit
So the Crybaby, No-Soup-a, and that one dude in the mask decided to go after that massive Star Destroyer, "Male violence", again... Some Y-Wings, Ahsoka's bitchiness, some explosions, some cheap rip off dialogue from A New Hope, One horny clone medic that is a attracted to a long neck Kaminoan—completed this fail episode.
Not long after, possibly not even a minute, after the so-called "events" after Shadow of Male violence, bitchy Ahsoka decided it would be best for the entire episode if she shut her fat orange face up while the Crybaby, the man with the beard, Goldenrod, and that one pudgy droid go into the Male violence and rescue sexy Panda bear from Grievous. Then, after the Mary Sues of the Republic left the Male violence, those fucking retarded droids crashed the ship on some moon.
One day, Bad Mother Fracker Commander Cody and that weird, horny white haired clone decided to crash some party on the moon of Rishii. Once they got their, some PWN droids blew up their ship. They escaped, of course, and joined some group of "shinnies"—sexually abused clone troopers. While the Uber PWN droids took over their pad, that white haired clone decided to be all badass and shit, and destroyed some of those droids. Blah, blah, some explosions, and then.. some chunky clone decided to become a suicide bomber. He blows up the pad, the droids, himself, and then...Fuck, party's over..
Downfall of a DroidEdit
So Annie the Crybaby and No-soup-a participated in this funny looking, cheap rip off battle that resembled that badass asteroid chase scene from The Empire Strikes Back. Turns out, General Lee Grievous became a pussy, so he fled from his Star Destroyer groupies. The Crybaby chased him, but failed.. Also, that one pudgy droid got lost. So they replaced him with another pudgy droid. Annie cried some more, which happened to be the main story of the episode...unfortunately. However, it is revealed that Annie does it with Ahsoka. He calls her "yummy yum pookums" in front of some fat guy. Wait! Does this make any sense to any of you? No? Congrats. So then, R2-D2 "Pudgy droid" attracts the attention of General Lee Grievous, and his horny droid sensors just kicked in.
Duel of the DroidsEdit
George Lucas decided to piss everyone off by letting the ultimate Mary Sue fight Grievous…Turns out, of course, she wins...She severs Grievous' hand...The crybaby found his secret lover, that pudgy droid, and that's it. That white haired clone also confessed that he will never do it with a droid again. Oh yeah, before Ahsoka reveals that she is the ultimate Mary Sue character, Grievous PWNS some fat guy.
Pandabear gets kidnapped AGAIN, this time by a Nute Gunray, the Asian tadpole thingy. Goldenrod whines a bit, and Jar Jar Binks of all people goes to rescue her. Seriously JAR JAR. Padmé breaks herself out, gets surrounded by droids, and gets saved by a monster that Jar Jar flirts with. Gunray gets captured in the end. Oh, and there's something about Padmé having a Rodian uncle or something. Hopefully this the last of Jar Jar.
Cloak of DarknessEdit
The crybaby needed alone time with his Panda Bear, so he sent the bitchy No Soup-a to that one ugly green skinned nun Jedi, "Luminous Undies", because the two were meant to be. On board her big deluxe yacht, the two were constantly doing it right in front of that one dude who got captured...Nute Raygun. They sent videos of themselves through the HoloNet, which made
Britney Ventress very jealous. The bald-headed bitch snuck on her yacht and was verrry horny. Ahsoka and Luminous engaged Baldy with their ultimate weapons. Turns out that Baldy gave up the fight and wanted to have relations with Gunray. She stole Gunray and left soon after she destroyed Luminous's yacht er...planet.
Lair of GrievousEdit
One sunny afternoon, that green wormhead Kit Fisto and some fish decided to drop by General Lee Grievous' house. Their glorious adventure turns out to be yet another fail episode. However, that fish got PWN3D and Fisto got raped by Grievous :D
So, it all beings after we see the horny No-Soup-a and that white haired clone on some Star Destroyer. The crybaby was captured before the episode, and to actually understand what the fuck is going on, George Lucas forced everyone to go on the crappy StarWars.com to read that stupid little fucking flash online comic... After you're done reading, if you read it, the man with the beard saves his ass, then steals one of Dookie's ships, chases Dookie in space, blows Dookie's ship and all of them crash into some planet. Blah, Blah, Blah, more blah, some gundarks, and eventually... Ahsoka saves the day.. :| The Crybaby and Obi-Wan then rape her before setting out to find Count Dookie, who managed to leave the planet with his homeboy pirate friends.
The Gungan GeneralEdit
Jar Jar returns, this time with a group of horny clones. But wait! George Lucas made a HUGE change! Either Ahmed Best (That one dude who voices JarJarJar) was high that day or, seriously Jar Jar was on crack because his voice was terrible. Way to go Lucas!
Anyway, the crybaby, Obi-1, and Dookie became buddies when some Weequays captured them. Turns out that the dudes only wanted some weed from the Republic then they will release them. Blah, freaking Blah, the episode ended. Also, NO AHSOKA IN THE EPISODE!!! YEAH!! Erm.
One day Anakin got extremely horny, and decided to go knock Aayla Secura whenever he can't do the same shit to Padmé. He soon got himself into a fight with a bunch of droids over the sexy Twi'lek above some random planet that no one gives a damn about. Eventually, they escaped, with only Annie's cock broken by a super battle droid. They've soon crash landed on Madagascar. After loosing their ships medical station, Aayla kicks Anakin into a tent to be safe and takes of bunch of clones to find some cure for his broken dick. Along the way No soup becomes jealous of how Aayla becomes so attractive to Anakin that they start a make-out fight, with Aayla the winner. On the way, a bunch of animals came and killed all the clone troopers, except for Commander Bly, apparently because his flashy yellow armor doesn't strike out more than the white armored clone troopers do. They soon come across a village populated by a clan of Irish lemurs. The village chief refuses to give Aayla a cure unless she can pre-order him tickets for Terminator Salvation which isn't even out yet. After the pissed off Twi'lek burned a huge ass hole in her pocket, the chief successfully healed Anakin so he bang more chicks. But that'll have to wait.
Defenders of PeaceEdit
Just when Anakin and Aayla are about to do it., a Separatist cruiser enters orbit to test out this whacked-out cannon on those annoying lemurs. Their commander, a deformed Darth Fat Guy called Lots of Turd. Anakin was all like "Fuck it." and stole the fat mans private shuttle just to regroup with his homies. The lemurs were soon wiped out in a matter of seconds and their babies were shipped as lunch for the Neimoidians and all the other organics enlisted in the CIS.
One day Annie, the beard (Not Kyle Katarn) man joined two hippies on some snow world. (Not Hoth). To replace Ahsoka, thank god, Lucas introduced this hot looking blue skinned girl who was a senator. While I was paying too much attention to her, my little eye saw some dude, who was obsessed with himself. the idiot began a war with a group of hairy (Not Wookiees) species called the Talls. That dude, and that horny, white haired clone went and fought that douchebag war while Annie and Obi-Wan were constantly doing it with Chuchi. Because Ahsoka wasn't good enough. After fighting that war, that dude got PWNED and fucking Mary Sue Rex only got "a scratch". Annie and Obi-Wan said there dearest good-byes to sexy Chuchi and hoped (I hoped too :D) that they'll see her again in this god forsaken series.
the Hidden EnemyEdit
Before the events of the crappy film.
Before Ahsoka was introduced, also known as the better age of Star Wars.
Began a prequel, "a term" which is most favored by George Lucas.
On the planet of Christopher, Annie and Obi-Wan were fighting in some random battle. Just when you thought the episode couldn't be any stupider, one Bad Mother Fracker PWN clone named "Slick" betrayed the Mary Sue Republic and married Baldy, a.k.a. Britney. That awesome clone named Cody and that douchebag white haired clone fought Slick because the clone stole Rex's white hair dye. Later, the most retarded thing happened... the crybaby and Obi-Wan returned after their "little adventure" with Baldy and arrested slick for being a complete dick.
What happened next? Go watch the crappy movie and find out. Don't know what movie it is? If you see some annoying orange skinned slut, then congratulations, you're victorious.
Blue Shadow VirusEdit
One magnificent day, some highly crack addict named "Dr. Vindi" started some blue virus. The Ultimate Mary Sues of the Republic—Uh, the crybaby, Obi-Wan, orangy, that white haired clone—went to save sexy Panda Bear and Jar Jar inside Vindi's crack den. So when everything goes smoothly for the Mary Sues, Vindi went all badass and shit and decided to activate a virus bomb and....Nope. The Mary Sues deactivated it. Tragically giving the Mary Sues, yet, another win...
Mystery of a Thousand MoonsEdit
This episode made no freaking sense to me. Turns out that George Lucas and his followers don't know what a virus is. How can there be a cure for a virus? WTF? Oh and "antidote" cannot cure a fucking virus dumb fucks, that's for poison. Also, WHY WON'T AHSOKA DIE?!?!?! She fainted and magically the douchebag white haired clone "saved her from falling." Pssh. Not to mention the pointless story in Iego, or that huge plot hole at the end when everyone got out of Vindi's crack den, and yet in the episode they said they cannot leave because the virus will leak out in Naboo but they did it anyway. Ugghh..
Storm Over RylothEdit
Because all the clones want to try out some Twi'leks that night after the boring Virus episode, the Seppies got jealous and blockaded their planet. And when Whinie and A-Soup-A need reinforcements that don't get them. GEEZ, THESE CLONES NEED SOME TWEELEKS! But Artoo smashes the ship into the cowardly skinny Asian admiral and they go down to the planet to go rape some Tweeleks.
Innocents of RylothEdit
Two clones go to a city, and there are no Twi'leks there. They do, however, find a little girl, who is too young for their taste so they use her to find some other Tweeleks. Geez, Cody, Tweeleks?
Liberty on RylothEdit
Mace Windu decides he can't resist fucking those Tweeleks and joins the mission, and Count Dookie steals all the treasure and leaves Wat Tambor to go to jail. Mace Windu shows no marcy and kills that-no wait, he doesn't. They can't afford to kill anyone in this series.
Since Dooku misses his heterosexually challenged slug (That purple dipshit from the movie that looks like Jabba), he sends in Cryptosporidium-137 along with a few bounty hunters to
get the Destroy all humans franchise back on track molest some senators till Palpatine decides to release the fat ass. Too bad Anakin's jacking off Padmé once again! After her "adventure", sexy ass retreats to the senate lobby to discuss about some bill with the senate. Bane then holds the senators hostage till the slime ball crawls out of prison. I could describe this shit bomb in greater detail but I think you all know the scope- Anakin saves senators but Crypto Cad Bane escapes with his shit. Now come to think of it, after seeing Donald Duck and the return of Jabba's uncle, I just feel like crapping my own balls out my dick! That means I really hate to see what Season 2 has in stock. Damn... Lucas I thought you were a kickass guy!
Soon after season one ended, that blue douchebag Cad Bean decided to go badass and shit. He wanted to steal a Jedi's "holocron," which contained the galaxy's most watched porn videos. Seriously. Erm, anyway.. so while Cad went to the Jedi Temple, his pedo crush, Ahsoka, was in the temple at the time. Just when things got worse for the viewers (if anyone was actually watching this crap), Ahsoka fought and won a duel with a old lady, because the bitch told her to put some more clothes on for god sakes. Blah, blah, Bane stole the porn holocron, and escaped before Bad Mother Fracker Mace Windu came. The bald guy then sent crybaby Annie and Ahsoka to stop Bane. lolz
Cargo of DoomEdit
Mannequin Crybaby and his Mary-Sue apprentice have to protect the holocron that Bane is after. After a "badass" moment that shows how much Cad Bane isn't quite as badass as Boba Fett, Anakin gives Bane the holocron in order to save No Soup-a's life. Yeah. I would have kept the holocron and let Ahsoka die if I were him. It's a win-win situation. Fortunately, Bane does the right thing and blasts No-Soupa out of the airlock anyway. Bane you have done a favour to us all. You are so awesome. Wait, what? Apparently, while I was celebrating and singing Ding Dong the Bitch is Dead, I missed Anakin save No-Soupa. Curse you Skywalker! P.S. I take it all back, Bane.
Children of the ForceEdit
It turns out that the reason that Bane wanted the holocron was in order to find all sorts of Jedi younglings and molest them, with some help from his friend Herbert the Pervert. Of course, our whiny Jedi heroes—the crybaby, orangy, Obi-Wan, and the Bad Mother Fracker—have to stop him, and they succeed. Yay...
In the beginning, the crybaby and sexy Panda bear engaged in a little fun, before the morons at the Jedi Council sent the two to Cato Neimoidia. Some horny senator was drooling over Panda bear the entire episode, as well as, a Neimoidian and Geonosian. Unfortunately, Dave Failoni cut the gang bang scene out completely. What a sherbert.
Landing at Point RainEdit
The sherbert is too lazy to come up with a new planet for this episode to take place on, so the Jedi decide to invade that useless, bug-infested rock from that prequel film that no-one remembers. Because Republic Gunships are made of cardboard and Styrofoam, the Jedi were absolutely pwnd and Anakin Skywanker hid behind a rock for the entire battle, masturbating and crying for his Mummy. They also threw that white haired clone off a cliff at one point, because he wouldn't shut up.
After that less-than-exciting, craptastic battle which only shows the Emo One does what he does best—cry—the fucking doucher couldn't take it anymore. That bitchy orange slut wouldn't shut her face up, so he sends to back to Luminous Undies. This time Undies came prepared and counter-avoided Ahsoka's bitchiness with her own Padawan, Barriss Offee, who was also dressed as a nun. The crybaby and Undies ordered the Hannah Montana team to go destroy some bug's pad. Their yawn-worthy adventure turned out to be foiled by the bug and his followers, more bugs, some tactical droid and some retarded looking tank. Ahsoka's bitchiness turned out to be the enemy of the episode, as the bug couldn't take it anymore! His bug followers dropped Ahsoka on her head, BUT... she didn't die, unfortunately. So then the Hannah Montana team decided to become suicide bombers and blew up the bug's pad with them inside. But, no, they escape... UNHURT...
Legacy of TerrorEdit
As soon as that Hannah Montana episode ended, George Lucas became extremely jealous that "death troopers" novel, so he decided to create his own zombie episode. Turns out, of course, Lucas does not know what the fuck he's doing. The "zombies" weren't zombies at all. In fact, they were being controlled by these little worms, yes worms, called "brain worms." Just as the episode could not be any more retarded, Lucas added in his own version of that neat movie "Alien" in the episode and completely fucked up. Not only was the plot crappy, that whole brain worm idea made you want to go to Skywalker Ranch and punch someone in the face. So when the brain-wormed (lolz) controlled bugs kidnapped and raped Luminous Undies, she was ultimately saved by the crybaby, the bearded man, and that Bad Mother Fracker PWN clone Cody. Yeah... that's about it.
The Hannah Montana team is back! This time they are given the task to give that green wormhead Kit Fisto his big box of porn videos. Along the way, those sneaky little brain worms—ugh, yes, the brain worms are back…Lucas...—went up clone's noses (yes, literally) and made them extremely horny. So horny they wanted to, and succeed, in abducting and raping Barriss Offee. The Orange One, however, was too much of a Mary Sue to even get hurt. The bitch found a way to stop the horny brain-wormed control clones... turn on the air conditioner. yep... So the clones went back to normal, Barriss Offee was saved and Orangy delivered the big box of porn to Kit Fisto.
Since General Lee Grievous is kidnapping all their Jedi Whinie, the beard man come along and free him. But, once again, Anakin and Grievous star in the same episode but don't meet each other. In the end, Grievous turns into a spider and goes down to a random planet.
That white-haired horny clone gets injured (finally! oh, wait, he doesn't die) and goes to a deserted clone's house. He becomes jealous because the clone gets hooked up with a Tweelek named Sue. Mary Sue? IDK.
A-Soup-A loses her lightsaber and doesn't want to admit it. So she whines to a bird to help her track down the bad guy, and ends up fighting these girls with eyes that close sideways.
The Mandalore PlotEdit
The death of all MANDALORIANS as we know it. The sherbert did something so evil and so utterly disgusting…he killed the MANDALORIANS. Everyone who watched this: Fandalorians, Fanboys, Fangirls, Goodwood, and even Karen Traviss had to cry themselves to sleep after watching this god forsaken episode (if you even watched this crap). So the destruction of the MANDALORIANS episode begins with horny the beard man and the sucky Duchess Satine of the so-called "Mandalorians". The beard man's main motive in the episode was to get laid... yeah. The two fought the real MANDALORIANS who weren't sucky pacifists. Satine stated that Jango Fett wasn't a Mando himself, thus making her the prime target of Fandalorians everywhere.
Voyage of TemptationEdit
Obi-1 falls in love with that Duchess, and her personal aide tries to kill her because Dave Filoni, that Indy Jones try-hard, killed Mandos. In the end, Whinie kills him.
Duchess of MandaloreEdit
While on a trip to Coruscant, a Fandalorian attempts to silence the crazy bitch once and for all. Unfortunately (for the Star Wars Universe) the assassin is a crap shot and ends up accidentally shooting the Ice Cream Guy instead. Knobbli Bent'Wobbli goes after the Fandalorian and after a vicious teabagging, the villain is revealed to be Karen Traviss who blows herself up with a cry of "Re'turcye mhi adenn Manda'yaim!" in Mandalorian (the translation for this gibberish is something like "Oh no! I eat potty and piss on squirrels!". The Senate decide not to take over Mandalore in the end. Mandalore is then assploded by Grievous the next day.
Cat and MouseEdit
Mannequin Crywanker and his friend, Admiral Mustache Von British are chased around a room by a giant spider in a trenchcoat (or something) for an hour while trying to send explosives down to the planet Christopher because Bail Organa believes that CIS's secret child hospital is there and wants to blow it up. While Mannequin cowers and sobs in a corner, Von British becomes depressed and decides to commit suicide by headbutting the giant spider. The spider is so surprised that he shits himself and dies. The mission is a success and the children's hospital is destroyed.
Annie, Wobbli and No-soup-a decide to go visit some Felucia for no apparent reason other than that it was in one of the films for a few seconds. There, our two heroes plan to eat magic mushrooms and kill the abomination. However, they are attacked by a flock of vultures and they crash on the giant space fungus. There they find out that a family of drug-dealers and their useless bounty hunter friends are being terrorized by the villainous Pirate Space Cockneys from that episode in series one. The heroes get high instead of teaching the drug-dealers how to fight and the natives are killed when the Cockneys attack. Crybaby narrowly avoids being lobotomized by a monkey in a tank, and the Cockneys escape in their flying saucer.
The Zillo BeastEdit
They find a huge Godzilla and have a great plan to take him to the most populated planet in the galaxy so it can be safe. (Read next episode).
The Zillo Beast Strikes BackEdit
A giant Godzilla goes on a rampage and kills a bunch of shit.
Boba Fett comes back to try and kill Mace Windy. Unfortunately, he fails, because he's still a kid.
R2 Come HomeEdit
Orangy saves the day again…
At the start there's a group of clone midgets learning about the UBER army that they are being forced to join. They get to fire a cannon at Justin Bieber CDs that the Admiral is throwing out the window a foolish clone bets the midgets they can't will hit the CDs with the howitzer but one clone proceeds to hit 3 in a row and destroys his planet all is well, BUT THEN one clone reveals himself to be the biggest badass in the galaxy and uses his POWAH to destroy the ship. He then flies away with the bald lady blowing up life pods as they go.
Britney attacks clone troopers and kisses one in a deleted scene.
Jar Jar K. Binks and Jamaican Me Crazy visit some flying elephant faeries.
Sphere of InfluenceEdit
George Lucas shoots up the Cantina after Greedo kidnaps his daughters. Don't mess with God. Unfortunately God didn't kill him because he wanted Han to.
Corruption happens. OBVIOUSLY.
Mary Sue gets named a high school teacher because she was so fucking annoying that they wanted her elsewhere. However, she started giving public Marxist speeches and provoked the Mandalorian Revolution and Chávez became Prime Minister.
Aurra Sing attacks Pandabear but A-Soup-A saves the day.
Hunt For ZiroEdit
Heroes on Both SidesEdit
Padmé Amidala goes visits an old friend with Miss hates everyone.
Pursuit of PeaceEdit
After a fishhead and a squid stole Pandabear's new toy, peace, she seeks to get it back, but ends up stealin' a speeder and getting arrested. Meanwhile, the two aquatics get drunk and decide to beat the Senators up.
That bald slut Britney get pissed at Dookie and goes back to her sisters and they trick Dookie and give him the worst Sith ever's brother, but pumped up on that one nasty green energy drink that tastes like jizz (not that I've ever tasted jizz...).
Monster, that's it. Darth Maul's screwy brother drinks too much Monster energy drink and goes on a rampage and kills people.
Witches of the MistEdit
Britney and Savage try and kill Dookie and fail epicly, then go back to Brtney's sisters. Savage gets sent to his lame brother (who apparently actually survived :I ) to get trained.
Some writers for the clone wars get high on weed and write a story arc about Annie, the beard guy, and Your Favorite Orange Bitch getting high on weed.
Altar of MortisEdit
More weed party...
Ghosts of MortisEdit
More weed party...
That pink Yoda guy gets trapped in this prison along with the supreme master of all planet destroyers and the pothead patrol goes to rescue them and fail epicly.
People get rescued. From the citadel. Duh, genius.
Chewbacca makes a pointless cameo.
General Grievous gets his ass kicked by gungans... WTF? No we're not lying here, that's exactly what happened, General Grievous, feared leader of the droid army, the same guy who can take on a dozen Jedi with breaking a sweat, can't beat an army of Gungans?! Next you're going to tell me Darth Vader loses to a bunch of ewoks!
Bionicle Maul gets REVENGE. Noo, he gets an eggplant? Tell us something we don't know.