A crappy, half-assed, incoherent "novel"
Chapter 1: "Who art my father, master?"Edit
For the rest of the damn story I'm too lazy to write, (damn George Lucas and his creativity) go watch the movies, like the fourth, fifth, and half way through the sixth.
Luke sat numbly down by the small bed thing. It sort of resembled a sack of potatoes. He was crouched inside some small, crappy, dirty little hut that he despised. It was short, the ceilings were like a foot tall or something. I think he set a world record for most times someone has hit their head on a ceiling. Also, the food there tasted like crap. He hated it so much he just wanted to fly away and destroy the whole planet. Regardless if he hated it or not, he had to go in, because it was his "destiny". He hated his destiny, and the big fucking mess it got him in. "I hate my destiny, and the big fucking mess it has got me in," he mumbled quietly to himself.
In the small, potato sack-like bed next to him was a large green raisin, better known as Yoga. Yoga was a stupid "Jihad Master" that Luke had tons of feelings for. And no, it wasn't love—Luke was a straight as a ruler—it was feelings of dire hatred. The only reason why he didn't turn on his lightsaber and swipe Yoga's small, wrinkly head clean off was because the only person in the damn galaxy he actually liked, Oldie Van Moldie, told him that Yoga was going to train him and be his "master". Luke thought lowly of this because at the time his pissiness was up—no it wasn't PMS, it was the fact that he had almost just been lunch for an Alsakan—and just prayed that Yoga wasn't going to be his new pimp sex master.
As it turned out, Yoga didn't make Luke his latest sex slave. What he tried to do instead was teach Luke about some "force" bullshit. And that made Luke sick. At first, Yoda was just a annoying little booger, but when he started making Luke try to pick up rocks just by thinking he wanted to rip Yoga's head right the fuck off. After a while Luke just pretended that he was having nightmares and ditched the planet altogether with his trashcan companion. He flew around for a while and did some crap, but then it Oldie Van Moldie's presence or something made him fly back to Yoga. He was pissed.
When he came back to Dagobah, the planet where Yoga lived, he was quite pleased. Yoga was finally old enough ("Nine hundred years," he thought to himself. "How could people stand that son of a bitch for that long?") to kick the bucket. When Luke learned this he was happy out of his pants—literally. He took them off and flung them in the lake, much to Pan Fendar's pleasure. After he had got them back on he went inside the hut and pretended to care about Yoga, who was now mere moments from death. Luke was so excited.
But he just remembered that Yoga was one of the only people who knew who his father was.
"Fuck," He muttered to himself. This meant he would have to ask him, and talk to that stupid fuck booger even more. He hated talking to him. He always talked a little backwards, as though he was drunk. And he never gave Luke—or even offered it, for that matter—any booze.
The problem about his father had been driving him crazy. Oldie Van Moldie said he was killed before Luke was born. But then the sinister Darth Hater, or whoever that negro was, said that he was Luke's father. He set out to find the truth. And now was the time.
"Hey, bastar-- I mean Master, since you're smart or some shit like that, can you answer a question for me?" Luke asked.
"On what the question is, that depends." Yoga replied.
Luke's temper flared. That backward talking drove him crazy.
"Alright. Since you're like amazing or something, who's my real father?"
A terrified look went over Yoga's face. "Shit," he said. "Think you would ask this, I did not. How wrong I was."
Luke couldn't stand it. He stood up, picked up Yoga's head dresser (which was really a shoe box, but it was the right size for Yoga) and trough it out the window. "TELL ME WHO THE FUCK MY FATHER IS NOW, BEFORE I KILL YOU INSTEAD OF LETTING YOU JUST DIE!" Luke yelled.
"Put it this way, let me," Yoda coughed up. He was only moments away from dying. "One of your parents he is, and your mother he is not." He gagged, and muttered one last thing: "There ... is ... another ..."
After Yoda said this he faded away into the darkness. This event would have normally excited Luke, for number two on his hit list (Boba Fett was one, Luke was jealous of his kick-ass jet pack) had just died, but right now he was in deep thought. He pondered over Yoda's words. "Hm, 'One of your parents he is, and your mother he is not.' What could that means?' Luke thought to himself.
Chapter 2: LearningEdit
Luke left the crappy little hut that he despised so much. He was going to burn it eventually, so that every last bit of evidence of Yoga's existence would be gone and Luke could be sort of close to happiness.
Outside of the hut Luke sat his fat ass (He had gained weight after eating a bunch of food at the cantina in Tatooine) on a moldy log and pondered. He had still not figured out what Yoga meant by what he said.
"Him and his goddamn backwards talk, if he just talked like a sane person I would have understood what the hell he was saying. The bastard." Luke said with an aggressive tone. But then it occurred to him. Yoga said he was one of his parents—that meant that he could be either his mom or his dad. But then Yoga also said that he wasn't his mother, so that left one possibility.
"Yoga's fucked up in the head," Luke thought to himself. But then he realized that it might just be true. Yoga was a Jihad Master, after all.
Oldie Van Moldie's blue glowing spirit walked out of the bushes and sat next to Luke. Luke was simply stunned.
"Oldie Van Moldie, you lied to me about my dad!" Luke whined.
"Ok, so the Boogie Man DIDN'T take him away. See Luke, the last time I told you this you were only four years old." Oldie Van Moldie explained.
Luke pouted like a little child. "Well you could have told the the truth. You know, you used to be my favorite person in the universe, but now you're number eighteen on my hit list, after Boba Fett, Ham Salad, and a bunch of other people." A tear came to his eye. "That's what you get."
Oldie Van Moldie wrapped an arm around Luke. "Now, I wasn't trying to be mean. I was trying to shield you from the powers of the dark side. Now, if you want, we can go find a dark place and make this all better..."
Luke jumped up quickly and ran a few feet. "Whoa, no you don't Oldie. I'm as straight as it gets. And always knew something was strange about you... you're gay!" he exclaimed.
"What are you talking about? I was just trying to say that in a dark place I can get some shrooms and we can 'get better', wink-wink nudge-nudge."
"Oh, that's what you meant? Then I'm in!"
The two ran off into a cave and stoned themselves until they both passed out, or they were just partying so hard they hit their heads on the walls and were knocked out. When they woke up, everything was calm and serene. Luke was lying up against the wall when he remembered that Yoga had said something about another. Determined to find the truth again, Luke asked Oldie Van Moldie what he meant.
"Oldie Van Moldie, what did he mean?" asked Luke.
"What the hell are you talking about, you idiot? You shouldn't be worthy of the force." said Oldie.
"I was talking about what Yoga said before he died. He said there was another."
"What a bloody second—Yoga died? Oh my god, oh my god, what am I going to do!? I can't live like this! Wait, I'm already dead. AW, fuck. Now I'm confused." said the old man.
"Stop screwing around and answer the damn question, Moldie!" yelled Luke.
"Oh, yeah, that. He was talking of your sister, Luke." said Moldie with a look of worry. He was scared from Yoga's death.
"My sister? He most of meant princess Laidup!" realized Luke.
"Why, your inner self or forcy thing or whatever it's called serves you well, Luke." said Moldie, now calming.
"Well, not only that, but she's the only girl in these lame movies!"
Chapter 3: ExplainingEdit
Luke's mind was now racing. In just a few hours he had learned two new things. The first was that Darth Hater was his fathe— wait, we already went trhough this bullshit. Let's just get back to the juicy part of the story.
Luke went bounding to his D-
brawing fighter and jumped in. He was about to go and tell people all the wonderful things he had learned.
"So long, Oldie Van Moldie! I'm going to go to Chinatown, or something! Yelled Luke.
"Bye, Luke," said Moldie, a tear reaching his eye. He was crying because he was now the only person left on Dagobah. He was alone. And sad. The goddamn loser. It's his fault he's such a suck-up to people.
Luke's D-Wing lifted up from the ground and left the atmosphere. His trashcan that was his coplot made a whole bunch of beeping sounds.
"Shut the fuck up, Trashcan. You're so annoying with your beeps and boops." said Luke with a hint of anger. At this point he was flying around the universe in circles, drinking beer out of his stash he kept in the truck of his ship. He did that until he passed out and autopilot took over, flying him to Hoth. However, he woke up, and saw another Alaskan and got right the fuck out of that ice cube.
Then he went to Endor, a place that might of had some significance with the Empire and it's new battle station or something. But Luke didn't give a damn. He as going to tell everyone about his learnings.
When he landed on Endor he walked around in the army of Teletubbies or whatever those teddy beat things were for a while looking for princess Laidup. All the while he saw Ham, Chewbroccoli, Creepio and then he saw Laidup. He ran over to her.
"Hey Laidup, guess what I found out?" Luke said.
"Luke!? Where have you been? was so worried about you!" she said.
"Nobody gives a flying fuck, so shut the hell up." She did. "Anyway, what I came to tell you is that Darth Hater is my dad, you're my sister, Creepio is my half brother, Ham Salad is my long lost uncle, Chewbroccoli is my old pet dog, Artoo is my old vacuum cleaner, Lando is my old slave, and—"
Laidup stopped him. "Luke, nobody cares."
Luke was shocked. He just stopped.
Laidup looked at him. "Seriously. We don't care. We just want to get to that stupid hidden base bunker thingy and blow the Death Star into a billion fucking pieces."
Luke couldn't believe it. I mean, he had just learned that he was related to somebody, and not just a test tube baby. How important was that? Ok,not very, but dumbass Luke thought it was the scientific discovery of the century.
"Bu- but- but.. I..."
"Luke, just go away." said Laidup.
Luke did. He had nothing better to do with his life anyway, except kick the stupid bear things on their platforms and watch them fall and die. However, his mind was too boggled to do that.
"I just, can't believe this. I mean, they don't even care..."
He reached down and pulled out his lightsaber. He twiddled it in his hands as though it was second nature. Then he put it in his mouth and put a finger on the button.
"Fuck my lif—"
But before he could finish, a scout trooper shot him in the head.
"What a loser," said the trooper, who sped away on his speeder bike.