- "Corellia declares war on Alderaan declares war on Coruscant declares war on Duro declares war on Alsakan declares war on Kashyyyk declares war on Transdosha declares war on Coruscant declares war on Manaan declares war on Rodia declares war on itself."
- ―Headline from HoloNet News at declaration of war[src]
The Unification Wars were
a big mush of the series of conflicts fought between pre-Republic interstellar states over who could have the sacred ball of twine and subjugate have prominence in a Galactic-wide government. The wars were harsh and bloody, resulting in the death of many millions of sentients. The conflict originated in the aftermath of the Force Wars, when Darth Sorrow was exiled to Endor 2.3, a small rock that orbited the Forest moon of Endor.
Prelude to warEdit
Following the Force Wars, Darth Sorrow was exiled from an unknown planet by the rise of the Jedi. Along with his apprentice, Darth Disney, Sorrow schemed to through the galaxy into turmoil by starting full scale war in which the galaxy would be laid to waste. Disney was dispatched to Corellia to assassinate the leader of the planet and frame it on Coruscanti terrorists. Darth Sorrow, in an effort to masque the scheme, proceeded to the Endor system and took residence on a small rock that orbited the second moon.
While attending a speech by the Corellian leadership, Darth Disney Force choked the entire government individually as they ascended to the podium. Surprisingly, no one in the crowd reacted until a wookiee walked into the room. With this, the entire crowd scattered into a calamity, trampling Darth Disney into a two-dimensional object.
- "*Hiccup* I wants more ale! Mooooore ale! Gimme more… *hiccup* More… MORE!… *hiccup*"
- ―Alderaanian drunkard before passing out on his starship while flying over Taris[src]
With all of the Corellian government dead, Darth Disney fled to Tatooine. The Corellian media reported that each official had been assassinated by a different planetary government. Immediately, the
stupid stuck-up planet prideful planet declared war on every other known planet in the galaxy. In turn, other planets did likewise. In the mass confusion that ensued, no one knew who their allies really were.
The most notable battle was the Battle of Taris. An Alderaanian drunkard declared war on Taris, because there wasn't enough Tarisian ale during the conflict. The drunkard flew to Taris, but was approached by Tarisian officials who tried to pull him over for drunk-flying. In an attempt to out-run the authorities, he lost control of his starship and crashed onto the Tarisian surface, destroying the planet's largest swoop bike factory. As retaliation, Taris bombed
the G*nk out of Alderaan's prized sacred ball of twine.
With the sacred ball of twine lost forever, the galaxy was uncertain who the new leaders would be. Fear spread through all the ranks and allies began to turn on each other. Soon thereafter, Rodia turned on itself, nearly wiping out the entire Rodian race (not that this is exactly a surprise).
Downfall of Darth SorrowEdit
Eventually, the warring parties decided to meet on Borelais to discuss the future of the war. Battles were still raging as the meeting happened, but the ambassadors pressed onward. After seventy-nine hours of
shooting, yelling and fist fights aggressive negotiations, the officials burst out into a song of "Kumbayah" and began to hug each other. After three days of incessant hugging, the Galactic Republic was formed. War continued for about six-and-a-half more minutes, before the ambassadors began to sing the new galactic song over the HoloNet to all of their officials.
Having his scheme of destroying the galaxy seemingly defeated, Darth Sorrow began to cry. Unfortunately, a rogue asteroid in the Endor system struck his rock and destroyed it, causing him to plummet down to the moon surface. There, the impact of Darth Sorrow on the Endor moon grounds caused him to destroy the forest. In a fit of rage, he wailed and cried. Eventually, his rage turned to grief, which in turn became sorrow. Furthermore, Darth Disney would not be heard from for nearly five thousand years. He would eventually visit his former master, but was overwhelmed by the fact that the Ewoks had begun to worship the Sith Lord.
In some ways, Darth Sorrow's scheme of destroying the galaxy did come to fruition. The Republic would be used countless times as a means of destroying planets, stars, blue milk, and other items of galactic importance.
Darth Disney left the Endor system in tears as well and decided that he needed to make another animated kids movie for mass distribution to destroy the galaxy. His scheme to undermine the youth of the society with seemingly happy films would lead to the Disney Wars.
- Blue milk
- Endor (through Darth Sorrow's scheming)
- Mandalore (still fighting to this day)
- Rodia (Yes, they fought themselves)
Behind the scenesEdit
In 600 ABY, the Unification Wars were rumored to have been a false story comprised by Darth Lucas in order to sell more books. This was dispelled when the Sith Overlord said that all who believed that had to wear flannel. Jedi records were later dug up to prove the existence of this war, just in case people were still in great fear of flannel.
Also, for your information:
- History of the Republic: What the Senate Doesn't Want You to Know
- Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic
- Star Wars: Unification Wars
- Everything Sith