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Weequay

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Weequay
Planet of origin

Sriluur

Height of average adult

1.7 m

Skin color

Dark brown

Hair color

No hair, spines

Distinctions

Pheromones, ugly faces

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Born without a sense of humor? We are inspired by your courageous struggle. …Just kidding. Get the hell out of here and go read Wookiepedia's "real" article on Weequay.

The Weequay or Weequays (pluralize them or not, they don't care) were an odd species of shrunken-apple-headed humanoids from a planet located in Hutt Space. Hutts often hired them as mercenaries and enforcers. Captain Ahab hired them as whale harpooners (despite their cannibalism). They had long stringy hair, which they formed into braids... they loved braiding each other's hair, the little darlings, and they didn't think it was gay at all.

Their verbal communication was unsophisticated, but they had a wonderfully expressive language conveyed by giving off pheromones and smelling each other. This led to amusing situations, such as being unable to communicate in hippies' homes where patchouli incense filled the air, let alone near sewers, fishing docks, garbage dumps, silage, or any other smelly environments. Oddly enough, Jabba Desilijic Tiure, one of the galaxy's smelliest denizens, had his palace patrolled by several Weequay guards, who usually lost their pheromone sense within a few weeks of working there. It would be the equivalent of having a telephone conversation in a wind tunnel.

Weequays were also notable for their weird-ass polytheistic religion, which included the moon god Quay. Weequay religious rites were brutal and often involved murder, cannibalism, incest, rape, flagellation, self-immolation, and watching The View. Quay spoke to his followers through a ritual device called the "quay," which was a small sphere with a selection of prerecorded answers imprinted on a voice chip. Whenever a question was posed to the quay, it would respond with "signs point to yes" or "my sources say no" or "it is decidedly so" or "portents vague, ask again later." The bit about the quay is totally canon, too.

Hondo Ohnaka led a pack of bad-ass Weequay pirates around the galaxy. They captured Count Dooku once and would have captured Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker too, but they got drunk and forgot about them.

Notable WeequaysEdit

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