- From: The Dark Side Engineering Cooperative Group
- To: His Majestic Majesty of Majesticness, Emperor Frank "Hound Dog" Palpatine and his sidekick Darth "Too Cool For School" Vader.
- Date: June 3rd, 4 ABY
Dear Frank, Can we call you "Frank"?
Due to circumstances beyond our control, the Death Star isn't around anymore. Before you get too angry or disappointed with us, or you get too force-lightningy with us, let us reassure you that the Death Star is safe. Yes, it just needed a few repairs.
The Death Star suffered a major case of vandalism over the weekend, and it is in our shop down the street for repainting. It is NOT utterly destroyed, and we'll have it back to you in no time, provided those kids don't ransack our garage again.
Those kids are a huge nuisance, my lord. Not a big enough nuisance for you to come down here and "deal with them personally," mind you, but a nuisance nonetheless. Could you believe they drew a big penis on the side of the still existent death star? I mean, this penis was HUGE, your majesty! How they get 4 billion gallons of spraypaint is beyond our comprehension. You can't rule the galaxy from a battle station with a huge red penis on it, could you? Obi-wan would hear billions of people laughing all at once instead of screaming.
We at the Dark Side Engineering Cooperative Group are here to bring you as many screaming billions as possible at or below cost, which is why we are updating the death star. Other than the vandalism, we noticed that the current bagel-gray exterior wasn't cool enough for your majesty, and it is currently undergoing a "flame-ectomy" if you will. "Flame-oscopy"? Well, we're gonna add huge flames to it. It'll blow the rebels' MINDS.
In conclusion, please don't come down here to check on progress: it will take a few decades to get the spraypaint off and begin adding flames. Trust us, it will be so rockin' awesome when we're done, your highness.
Sincerely And Lovingly,
We Love You,
The Dark Side Engineering Cooperative Group