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- "How do I know I'm really ugly? A Wampa closes its eyes when it messes with my leg."
- ―Wilhelm McBumfluff, on himself.
This is what Wilhelm would have wanted to look like.
Kuat. In a drawer.
Out of a machine.
Doomed to an eternity of holding sheets of wood.
|Chronological and political information|
Palpatine, like every Sith.
Wilhelm McBumfluff was a unique Sith. Firstly, he was German. This means he was prone to starting ze wars for ze Vaterland. But, what was even more unique about him, was that he was a paperweight. Oh, yes, he was a very good paperweight. And, prior to Order 66 he advised Palpatine right from his desk. But his German-ness meant he had no humor ability, and so he was entirely unable to make clever, witty one-liners to his enemies shortly (and yes, he was short) before decapitating them. He'd have been better off if he were a shopping trolley. Do you know what the difference between a German and a shopping trolley is?
A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.
Wilhelm McBumfluff, like his brothers in ze Vaterland, tended to follow people. Except the man he followed didn't have a moustache. Nor a heavily waxed moustache. Nor did he have a beard. In fact, he didn't have any facial hair whatsoever, making Wilhelm a very poor excuse for a German. His inability to make humorous remarks meant he was always inferior to his master, Palpatine. Do you know what the difference between the Dresden bombing and one of Wilhelm's jokes was?
Only the first can make you smile.
Eventually, Wilhelm branched out on a track of his own. Like all Sith, he changed his planet of birth to Tatooine, got himself a cloak to fit over his metal contours and "body", and stopped work as a full time paperweight so he could, instead, terrify the stationery industry across the galaxy. Quite an audacious attempt, and one that was stopped, eventually, by Obi-Wan Kenobi, who tied him up with his belt and doomed him to an eternity of weighing down sheets of wood.
A humiliation for a paperweight.
- Palpatine: "How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
- Wilhelm: "Ve are asking ze questions here!"
- — A typical day in the office.
Paperweights are a valuable commodity. Do you know, 29.3% of Biths don't appreciate how valuable and useful a paperweight actually is? And do you know, that number is tripled when it comes to dealing with humans, and their opinion on the same matter? Worrying, eh? I'm sure you're clever enough to value a paperweight. Wilhelm's mother was. But, then again, Wilhelm's mother was a machine. She had no emotions. She had no love. She had no ability to care for Wilhelm. But this wasn't because she was a machine. Oh, no no no! It's because she was German. Every machine is made by the Germans. Even the ones that say they're made on Coruscant, or somewhere. I think they are planning another attempt to seize power from the real men around here, which is fairly obvious.
They are never content.
Wilhelm was born into this plan. He and his five hundred and thirty three thousand siblings all came out of a production line, just like real Germans. They rolled out, fell in a box, were wrapped in little packages and sent off to be sold across Coruscant. Now, even then, Wilhelm's nasty German little mind was working inside his metal casing. And he managed to use a power he didn't realize he had. The Force. He called out to this wandering old man on the street, who happened to be Palpatine, and Palpatine thought: My God, a paperweight for less than twenty three credits!
So Palpatine bought Wilhelm, and a new era was born.
- Wilhelm: "Ah, Palpatine, your jokes crack me up! Where would we be without humour, eh?"
- Palpatine: "Germany."
- — It's true. You know it is.
At first, Palpatine's plan for supreme POWAH involved using Wilhelm to tap dance on the street corner, which would allow him to gain a considerable number of credits. Then, Palpatine could buy a pet Ewok, use its massive strength to break into a place called 500 Republica, then break into the Republic's headquarters and seize the position of Supreme Chancellor for himself, before declaring himself Emperor! It didn't work. They didn't even try it. Thankfully, Wilhelm convinced Palpatine out of it. He held back his national instincts to demand declaring war on the Republic, which was quite a feat. Wilhelm instead said they should use the clever way, and use the Force to subdue the Republic from the inside. Clever, eh? But, then again, Germans are masters of subduing other societies - they've had a lot of practice. Palpatine liked the idea. When he first got an office, after being made a Senator, he used Wilhelm as his paperweight.
And a very good weighing job Wilhelm did.
So, Palpatine read a book (Force use for dipshits, by the great author Darthur Conan Doyle) and practiced things from this book. He grew quite good, and started using them on other people. He got his position of Supreme Chancellor, and realized that, without his trusty paperweight, he wouldn't have got anywhere. So he trained Wilhelm in the use of the Force too, and Wilhelm took to it like a German takes to a tank with directions to Warsaw. Wilhelm became a Sith too, although he never took on the title "Darth", out of respect to his master. He started using a nickname of "The Fuhra", after a "coolification" of the title of one of the great heroes of the German people, who is much revered and loved.
- Wilhelm: "Hey, there's some good things about my country!"
- Palpatine: "Yeah, right. Such as?"
- Wilhelm: "Unlike Lady Diana, we survived the wall!"
- — Admittedly, that's true.
And so, after many years of collaboration and work on Palpatine's desk, weighing down the many reams of paper that rest upon the desk of a man like the Supreme Chancellor, Wilhelm and Palpatine parted ways. They would have parted as friends, had Palpatine not caught Wilhelm in a very compromising position on a bed, with three of Palpatine's favorite Twi'lek slaves in Gestapo uniforms around him in very compromising positions too. And so, without any clothes, money or anything but a lightsaber, Wilhelm set out to Tatooine, bought himself a cloak, which was very fashionable on Tatooine at the time, and made plans to terrorize the stationery industry across the galaxy.
But it was never to be. He's German. He's doomed to lose every war, of which there are many, that he wages.
After destroying a few stationery chains, and putting a few more out of business, Wilhelm came under the attention of the Jedi Order. Now, the Jedi Order valued their paperweights. And when their access to paperweights was cut off by Wilhelm's shenanigans, they were very, very pissed off. They dispatched a man with a beard, Obi-Wan Kenobi, in an attempt to appeal to Wilhelm's German side. After all, Germans will follow any man with facial hair into war. But, Wilhelm was angry at this attempt to impersonate a German hero, and so he turned on Kenobi.
And Kenobi PWNed his ass.
He tied Wilhelm up with his belt, and left him on the edge of the galaxy, weighing down sheets of wood.
Humiliating, for a paper weight.