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October 12, 2009
IRVINE, CA - Blizzard Entertainment, famed video game developer of the immensely popular title, World of Warcraft, announced yesterday their plans of developing a new addition to the Star Wars franchise. First unofficially announced back in 2007 as a next-gen MMO, the company has remained hush on details of the project, even failing until yesterday to divulge if the game will be part of a previously established franchise, or if it will be part of a new series. In a statement released via email, Blizzard co-founder and Michael Morhaime had this to say:
|Yes, it's true. We've begun work on a Star Wars MMO! I can't say much about it for now, however what I can tell you is this: the central plot-line centers around, like, Jax Pavan, a character seen in like various Star Wars novels. In the novels, it's established that there's, like, 500 million men named Jax Pavan living on Coruscant. So, like the game is gonna explore all 500 million of them.|
Fans of the franchise have been very reluctant about the announcement. In a Harvard study, 92% fans had either very little knowledge of the Jax Pavan character(s) or no knowledge at all, leading computer hacker Danny Plumppork to stir up a picket line outside of Blizzard head-quarters, protesting the decision to base an entire game around such an unknown character. Plumppork told interviewers:
|REMOVE THE 500 MILLION JAX PAVANS NOW OR I WILL DESTROY YOUR SERVERS|
Plumppork and his protests, however, have been met with equal protesting from members of such cyber-terrorist orgnizations as Darthipedia, known host of a secret Jax Pavan cult. I, supergeeky1, sat down candidly with supergeeky1, one of the original members of the group. When asked about his opinion of the MMO, supergeeky1 responded:
|I just love the idea. Whatever encourages our users to create more and more Jax Pavan articles. I just pray the storyline doesn't conflict with my upcoming webcomic, Battlestar Pavanica, which is scheduled to be released later this year, coinciding with my other projects, Truth in Blunders: The Darthipedia Story, Fahrenheit 1138: The SWFanon Story, Game Wars Episode I: The Quinlanfan-tom Menace, Game Wars Episode II: Attack of the Cabal, Game Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Skeith, Game Wars Episode IV: A New User, Game Wars Episode V: The Quinlanfan-tom Menace Strikes Back, Game Wars Episode VI: Return of the Crappy Titles, Game Wars: Time to Make the Doughnuts, and Game Wars: The Webisodes. Yes, I have no life... [laughs] ...Sarah, please take me back.|
Other members of Darthipedia have remained less optimistic, however, questioning how Blizzard will stretch an entire MMO to feature the lives of every Jax Pavan. Michael Morhaime dismissed any reason of doubt:
|There's gonna be tons of customization options, just like in WOW. We had to remove a few of the features though. Like when you buy the game, you'll be given like the option to choose which number you want. So like if you wanna play as Jax Pavan 2,003,585 you can do that. You can't choose your own name. So like if you wanna play as Sly Lundo, you can't do that. You have to play as Jax Pavan. You can also, like, only play as a man or transsexual since there are no women named Jax Pavan on Coruscant. And on the subject of Coruscant, that's the only world you visit throughout the game. No going to, like, Dantooine or anything. The conflicts in the game are gonna be like pretty sweet. But you don't fight against other players. The conflicts are purely emotional and personal! Like one player might struggle with their addiction to death sticks while another player struggles with the dead prostitute in the trunk of his speeder.|
For now, one can only speculate as to how the project will turn out. Check back soon for updates on the game, including exclusive interviews with the writers and and the voice actors involved.
Yipee! reporter supergeeky1.
- "This was Yipee! international."
- ―James Earl Jones